


mitt hjärta (my heart)

by onlypreciousloves



Category: League of Legends RPF
Genre: Angst, Boys In Love, F/M, Heartbreak, M/M, Polyamory, a dash of fluff cause it does exist a little, much more complicated than necessary, relationships like these are probably not healthy I don't think..., telephone calls late in the night
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-03
Updated: 2017-12-28
Packaged: 2018-10-14 13:35:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 28,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10537551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onlypreciousloves/pseuds/onlypreciousloves
Summary: Yeujin really isn't good at keeping his emotions and feelings straight. Plus, he's not very good with labels. He's made numerous mistakes, but the real question is: can he fix himself before trying to fix everything else?Martin's a good guy, so why doesn't anything ever seem to go his way? Just when he thinks may never have the chance to be right he gets a call. Can an innocent prank provides him with something he's waited for but never thought he'd ever get?





	1. Irony and Fragility

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The present time in which this takes place begins in heartbreaking Week 7 of Spring Split 2017.

After the disappointing loss against Cloud9, Kayli chose to spend the night at Liquid’s gaming house instead of with her own teammates on Flyquest. Sure, Flyquest had lost to Phoenix 1 and were starting to lose their reputation as the undefeated, power team of this split, but all their players were hardened veterans and it wasn’t like she had played anyway. She’s been Flyquest’s substitute Jungler ever since a small scandal in AD Kill’s organization caught the media’s attention during the off-season. After much discussion, Kayli and her teammates were leased out to other teams for the Spring Split of 2017.

 

When she first received an offer to play with the team formerly known as Cloud9’s Challenger team, she was at a complete loss for words. Ever since she interacted with them at the occasional LCS parties, she’s loved An and Hai, so she had no reservations in accepting the offer, even if it wasn’t a starting position. However, even by Week 7, she still hadn’t been put in. She didn’t hate being out of the spotlight, in fact she rather enjoyed supporting her teammates from backstage – as strange as that sounded.

 

Unlike Flyquest, Team Liquid wasn’t faring so well after they started the season with a nice 2-0 win against Counter Logic Gaming. Liquid’s loss had left them more devastated than Flyquest would have been after any loss.

 

Not like Liquid wasn’t already on a losing streak. Not like they hadn’t just signed the most popular AD Carry in NA for the rest of the split. Not like they hadn’t moved Gwangjin to the Mid-lane to _hopefully_ improve their roster. Not like they hadn’t signed Adrian as a substitute Support with only 3 weeks left of the Spring Split. Steve wasn’t kidding when he said he would do anything to push the team into playoff contention.

 

Well, Kayli hadn’t expected him to take his statement lightly. He _had_ done everything in his power.

 

Some people commented on how Liquid’s new roster for the upcoming, final 3 weeks looked great on paper. Three out of the five players had experienced the pressure and emotional rollercoaster that came with competing at Worlds. Naturally, many expected the team to show up in this split before the new additions, and even more so once “Doublelift” temporarily joined the roster. What could go wrong with so many renowned, skilled players?  Apparently, Peter getting executed by Red Buff on his first game back into the professional spotlight. And that was only one example.

 

With only one day of practice as a new team, even against a Worlds-class team like Cloud 9, the loss was more emotionally and physically draining than one would expect.

 

Everyone, including the players themselves, had high expectations for Liquid’s roster. When they fell short of said expectations, their pride was shattered and that feeling of defeat – which came from everyone questioning whether they were still fit to play in the professional scene – drowned them in self-loathing and excessive criticisms. Criticism from within rather than without. No one had the energy to toss blame at each other or even attempt at giving each other constructive opinions after that game.

 

There could’ve been more disasters, but losing 2-0 in their first set as a nominal monster team was a nightmare.

 

Peter was more upbeat than Kayli had been expecting when she arrived at the house. He didn’t seem too upset about the loss, in fact, he seemed pretty optimistic for all the future games to come. Although that was reassuring, the somber mood that hung over everyone else’s heads could still bring anyone’s mood down.

 

“Just…uh, you can put down your stuff in my room. I’ll be right back in a few minutes,” Yeujin mumbled in heavy Korean as he led her through the house towards his room. She passed by Samson in the kitchen, and the two of them shared a somewhat humorless smile. Kayli was no stranger to Team Liquid, but unlike the past few splits, she hasn’t found any time this split to spend time with her Jungling mentor and his new teammates. ~~~~

“Just…” Yeujin caught his best friend’s eyes for a brief moment as he ran his fingers through his dark-colored locks. He let out an exasperated sigh as he placed his phone in the palm of her hand, “you know,” and left the room without another word, leaving a saddened Kayli right inside the doorway with a small duffle bag on her shoulder.

 

She missed seeing the bright smile on her fellow Jungler’s face back when he played on Fnatic in 2015, and the almost equally as vibrant smile when he played with Immortals last year. He started on Team Liquid with a nice smile, despite a rather confusing – or rather, upsetting – conversation over the phone with Kyungho in mid-January. Kayli knew very little of the context of the phone call, but she knew what it resulted in. A so-called “break.”

 

She could only imagine how heartbreaking it must’ve been for Yeujin.

 

Kayli flopped down onto Yeujin’s bed, curling up on her side. One of the phones in her hand vibrated softly, lighting up the screen with a text.

 

‘Are you okay, hyeong?’ was the simple message from a familiar Top laner. It took her a minute to remember that it was only the afternoon in Korea where ‘Huni’ was. Kayli effortlessly unlocked the phone to view the message. It must’ve been out of habit, since the notification gave her all the information she had needed.

 

Once unlocked, what caught her attention in Yeujin’s recent messages wasn’t Seunghoon’s text, but an unread text from someone who she hadn’t heard from in what seemed like forever.

 

She definitely hadn’t been epecting the message from an old friend. Sure, he was her friend too, but he was an especially close one of Yeujin’s.

 

_‘Rekkles.’_

 

Martin Larsson was the last person Kayli expected to text Yeujin, since they hadn’t kept much contact since season 5. Yeujin, despite sharing pretty much everything with Kayli, had kept the reasons for how he and Martin lost contact to himself. She never pushed at it, because even though it brought him down a little bit, it didn’t seem to affect his daily life too much. Maybe it was Seunghoon’s presence that anchored him, and now that that was gone Yeujin had more worries and unnecessary thoughts on his mind to hold himself comfortably. Either way, it would be a blatant lie for her to say she wasn’t curious about the two of them, but she respected Yeujin’s privacy enough not to poke at it.

 

The click of the bedroom door closing snapped the Jungler out of her reverie. She rolled her body to face the door and her best friend, all while still lying on her side.

 

The young Korean had changed into a simple outfit that consisted of plain gray shorts and one of his old Fnatic t-shirts (as eerily coincidental as that seemed). His towel was draped around the back of his neck, and his short dark hair was damply ruffled in a way that Kayli was sure only Yeujin could pull off as attractive.

 

Flyquest’s substitute Jungler slowly sat up, running her lithe fingers through her reddish gold hair to get it out of her face. She opened her mouth to speak but stopped short when she realized she had no idea how to approach what might be a sensitive subject.

 

The text message from Martin implied that there was something more than just a really close friendship between them in his time at Fnatic. Not that Kayli hadn’t inferred that from how Yeujin acted when anyone so subtly mentioned him. If he had refused to talk about ‘Rekkles’ for the past two years and visibly flinched when the Swedish AD Carry was mentioned shortly after his departure from Fnatic, how would he react now? Kayli wasn’t sure what she’d do if she asked and he answered her with complete silence for the rest of her stay. Would it create a rift between the two of them just as bringing up Hyukkyu or Seohaeng to Kyungho had done to the two of them? Yeujin had a bad habit of putting too much distance between him and others when he wanted to avoid a subject. Sure, avoiding Kayli wouldn’t be as easy as avoiding Kyungho since she wasn’t hundreds of thousands of miles away and they saw each other at the LCS Studio at least once every week, but just the mere idea of a tense atmosphere between each of their encounters felt suffocating to her. She only had him in North America and she knew he leaned on her emotionally just as much as she relied on him.

 

Although she wasn’t trying to hide it, Yeujin caught her less than subtle actions and let out a dry chuckle.

 

“I’m not made of glass, Kayli,” he hung up his towel and dropped down onto his full-sized bed beside her. It was really out of character for her to think so deeply about something before talking to him. When he crossed his legs on the bed, she naturally laid back down with her head in his lap. She looked up at him through the fiery strands of her dyed hair, realizing that it’s been months since she’s seen his genuinely happy smile. The one that he always wore without needing something to happen to make it appear. She missed it. She missed it so much.

 

“That’s not—”

 

“Just say it.”

 

Kayli felt as though she had offended him just by thinking about how to phrase her question. Maybe she had overthought it too much. He was a lot stronger – mentally and physically – than many people gave him credit for. “Jin…” an attempt at a soft whine turned into a squeak of discomfort.

 

Her fellow Jungler just looked at her expectantly.

 

“Did you know… see… the message?” when a look of confusion flashed across his features, she quickly added, “from…Martin?”

 

The expression on his face became even more unreadable. Kayli hated this. It’s been about a month and a half since she became unable to naturally read her best friend, and it pained her. Was it because she spent a lot more time at her team’s house rather than sleeping over at Yeujin’s? Was it because she didn’t make a big enough effort to go out and see him? Was it because she didn’t try to comfort him more after his earlier losses? She couldn’t feel anymore useless as his _best friend_. Even just the idea that she couldn’t figure out how to fix Yeujin’s mood bothered her more than the idea that she might not play on stage for the rest of the split. Scratch that, she couldn’t care any less about being on stage. It bothered her more than the time when she fought with Yeujin about Kyungho and was given the cold shoulder for about a month.

 

When Yeujin didn’t answer after a long minute, she sat up and shook her head gently. “Never mind. Forget that I asked,” she tried to wave the tense air away with her hand. “Seunghoon sent you a text while you were in the shower, by the way.” She held her hand out with his phone and fell back down once he slowly took the phone back.

 

Kayli absolutely hated the silence that followed for the next few moments. It felt like an eternity before he laid down in front of her, but it was less than a minute before he spoke in a hushed whisper. She caught the numerous emotions that passed his face but some were easier to identify than others: confusion, hurt, sadness, frustration. But, most importantly, the one that stayed made her chest clench in pain. Heartbreak.

 

“I guess I never really told you…” his lithe fingers reached over and played with the soft curls of her silky hair. Despite changing the color so many times, Kayli’s hair still felt soft and feathery to the touch. Yeujin curled up closer to her body just like he has done countless times since they were toddlers. The air of subtle hostility she had felt when he accused her of underestimating his mental strength had completely disappeared. It was as if it never existed as he squeezed his eyes shut and reached out to hug his anchor closer to his body. The only thing left was heartbreak as Kayli heard him take shallow breaths in an attempt to stall the inevitable tears. Despite the size of his bed, with the two of them curled up so closely, the Junglers took up less than half of it.

 

“I messed up, Kayli. I messed up so bad,” he mumbled in Korean as she raised her hand to reassuringly brush her fingers through Yeujin’s hair as he tucked himself into her smaller body. Kayli caught the shaking of his shoulders as she gave him a tight hug for comfort and encouragement.

 

He looked like he just wanted to cry but the tears refused to fall. She knew he wanted disappear, judging by the look in his eyes when he opened them to stare back at her own dark orbs.

 

“I want to go back,” Yeujin’s voice broke as he spoke in a hushed tone with fractured Korean. “Turn back time. To go back and fix it. Everything.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a short-ish introduction, but please do tell me what you think! I appreciate any and all feedback. 
> 
> I feel like a really bad person for taking such an emotionally frustrating week for both Reignover and Rekkles (I'm assuming, but if I were them I'd be more than just frustrated...).
> 
> Thank you to AeonWing for beta-ing and giving me a second pair of eyes!


	2. lost but with you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after a devastating loss...

October 26, 2015

The morning sunlight peeking over the rooftops of Brussels effortlessly slipped through the hotel window. The young Swede squeezed his eyes shut, refusing to get up, despite the blinding sunlight. He didn’t want to face yet another morning knowing he had failed to secure Worlds for Fnatic. They had been so close.

He wasn’t happy about having to play against Hyukkyu so early in the tournament. Yet, being 3-0’d by KOO Tigers felt even worse. He felt like he had failed not only his teammates, but also his fellow AD Carry whom he had promised that he would win Worlds for the both of them. 

Sure, they were words, but they weren’t _just_ words. There was a certain validity and promise in them that made it matter more to him. Call it cliché, but perhaps that was just simply how he was as a hopeful 19-year-old professional gamer.

The young AD Carry tightened his arms around the boy snuggled up tightly against his chest. The regret from not closing the blinds the night before quickly disappeared when his eyes fluttered open and was met with the lovely sleeping face of his Jungler. Even with the faint streaks of dried tears on his cheeks and a disheveled mess of red hair for a fiery halo, Martin couldn’t help but think how beautiful he still looked. 

He wasn’t really thinking when he pulled back a little, using the backs of his fingers to gently rub the marks on the older boy’s cheeks. It was as easy – as _necessary_ – as breathing to prove to himself that Yeujin really existed. Although his heart was still heavy with defeat, just being in the presence of his teammate made the weight on his shoulders feel just a little lighter. 

Tracing the pad of his index finger along Yeujin’s soft features, he couldn’t help but smile the longer he stared. The soft breaths that tickled his sensitive neck made Martin’s heart flutter as he stared at Yeujin’s small, parted lips. Before he could catch himself, the young AD Carry had closed the space between them and pressed his thin lips against Fnatic’s sleeping beauty.

In a matter of seconds, he could feel the Korean’s lips move – albeit rather slowly – against his. The young Swede couldn’t help his smile as he peeked at the other boy underneath his eyelids. Yeujin had his eyes closed, but it didn’t take Martin much effort to realize that his innocent, little kiss had woken up _his_ princess. 

“Morning,” Martin managed to say once they pulled away from each other, effectively leaving them both breathless. That trademark smile of his was painted on his lips when Yeujin’s eyes fluttered open. The Jungler gently rubbed his eyes with his knuckle, a smile finding a home on his lips when a hand reached out to stop him from rubbing them. “That’s bad for your eyes.”

“Such a mom,” he joked quietly as he let his AD Carry pull his hand away from his face. “Sleep alright?”

The Swede subtly shrugged his shoulders as he ducked down and buried his face in the crook of his teammate’s neck. With a deep breath, he relished the warmth and naturally sweet scent that was Yeujin. Something about the Jungler’s presence made him feel relieved. As if nothing mattered anymore. Martin hadn’t felt happier since his return to Fnatic. Sure, the roster was almost entirely different, but Fabian, Seunghoon, and Yeujin only added more to the house. He was no longer the kid in the Fnatic family.

Or so he would like to believe, but he was still one of the kids age-wise. That didn’t stop him from feeling the need to act as an older brother with his past experiences in Fnatic. 

Similar to how Martin felt a certain comfort in Yeujin’s presence, the young Korean Jungler found a sense of _home_ around the AD Carry. Perhaps it was the way the Swedish boy held himself… or his scent… maybe his warmth…or just his whole being entirely.

Yeujin let his eyes gently fall shut as he ran his fingers through Martin’s pale, golden hair. He released a soft hum of contentment as he reveled in its smoothness. 

“You need a haircut…” Yeujin mumbled with his face in the nest of golden locks. The words fell from his lips before he could even gather them up into a concrete thought. He subconsciously thanked his family for making him fluent in English at a young age. 

Yeujin loved how he could speak without thinking in Martin’s presence. Some aura about the young Swede just naturally comforted him. Yeujin wondered whether the other boy was even aware of the effect he had on him. 

A deep chuckle vibrated against the crook of his neck as the AD Carry shifted a little. A casual smirk danced on the corner of his lips, hidden away in Yeujin’s collarbone. “What? I just cut my hair like a month ago.”

“Yeah,” Yeujin interrupted himself with a yawn. “But it’s long again.”

Martin moved his head to peek up at the Jungler, and a small frown formed on his pale lips when he caught the older boy in his habit of rubbing his eyes. In a few moments, the young Swede wrestled his fingers from his eyes and – rather excessively – had Yeujin’s thin arms pinned beside his head.

“Stop, it’s bad for you – your eyes.”

A pang of guilt shot through Yeujin’s body from the center of his chest when he looked up into the bright and clear ash irises of his … _lover_? Admirer? Boyfriend? None of those labels seemed to fit, seeing as they’ve never set anything in words.

They weren’t in any relationship, at least not any romantically labeled ones. 

They weren’t boyfriends. That would’ve made things overly complicated. 

Yet, they were definitely more than _just_ teammates. More than just friends, but friends with benefits didn’t do their relationship any bit of justice. 

Neither of them have ever explicitly spoken their affections. Martin never brought it up, so Yeujin didn’t pay it much thought. Nor did he think it to be of any importance. Besides, what they had was already very comfortable to him and he never thought that anything needed to change. Until he spent the night before in Kyungho’s hotel room…

Martin caught the flash of guilt across his eyes, but mistook it for physical pain. “Sorry, did I hurt your wrist?” he asked softly while gingerly pulling the hand on Yeujin’s right wrist away. 

“No, I’m fine.” Yeujin attempted to hide his guilt with a smile that failed to reach his eyes. He held back a sigh of relief when it seemed like the other had bought into his façade. Martin leaned down to place a gentle kiss on the injured joint, looking like the golden-haired angel everyone knew he was. 

When he pulled back up so that he was hovering over the Jungler, Martin laced his left hand’s fingers with Yeujin’s right. The sweet and pure smile the Swede gave made the Korean’s heart flutter in joy, yet also clench painfully in guilt. 

He felt – no, he _knew_ – that he didn’t deserve any of this. Any of Martin’s precious love. In stark comparison, Yeujin was such a flawed character. Martin had everything together in his life. He knew what he wanted. He treasured his relationships with his family and all the other players in the EU scene. He freely expressed his affections towards Yeujin no matter the time and place. Yeujin was almost the complete opposite. He didn’t know what he wanted, he could barely tell the difference between simple, sexual attraction and shameless, honest love. He’s lost more meaningful relationships than he’s kept. He’s always too wary of other opinions outside of the house to entirely reciprocate Martin’s heartwarming affections. Perhaps it was the cultural environment he grew up in, which had condemned romantic behaviors between two males. It wasn’t a good excuse to Yeujin, though. No excuse could justify his right to be loved by the wholesome Swedish boy. In his eyes, Yeujin was too broken, too messy of a person for wonderful, little Martin. 

And now, Yeujin _knew_ for a solid fact that he didn’t have any right to accept Martin’s affections. It was simple. He didn’t deserve it, because he couldn’t accept it whole-heartedly. His lingering feelings for Kyungho dug its malicious claws into his heart, refusing to let go and let him accept the knowledge that the Korean Top laner didn’t love him the same way. They refused to let him move on and happily enjoy his time with Martin before he needed to return to Korea for his mandatory military service. He couldn’t just take Martin’s love without giving anything in return. That wouldn’t be fair to him. 

The night before their match against the KOO Tigers, Kyungho invited him over to his room to catch up since they hadn’t gotten to talk much after his move from South Korea to Germany. The first few months after Yeujin joined Fnatic, he let the distance between them grow without realizing it. He had constantly worried about fitting in and making sure to pull his weight – to live up to the name that came with Fnatic. Thankfully, his English hadn’t been an issue, but that was only one less thing to worry about. He often stressed over having good gameplay and good publicity, all while striving to prove to the worldwide community that ‘Reignover’ wasn’t “Game Over.” As a result, he rarely called home, much less his old teammates on Incredible Miracle. If Kayli didn’t schedule in a Skype call every two weeks he wasn’t sure if he would have been able to hold himself together as well as he did. Not that that had been any good in reality.

With all his worries also came the sense of betrayal he felt when looking at Kyungho’s Kakao Story, which consisted of many pictures of him and Seohaeng. It wasn’t like they had ever dated. It wasn’t like Kyungho was attracted to him – another boy, mind you – as much as Yeujin had felt _“sinfully”_ attracted to him. The only one he had ever dared to tell of his preferences – which were looked down upon by his country’s culture – was Kayli, who had pleasantly surprised him with being so accepting. 

Facts aside, Yeujin knew he had no right to feel the way he felt when he saw those snapshots of Kyungho’s daily life. It took him until almost the end of the Spring Split for Yeujin to decide not to let Kyungho – or rather, the thought of Kyungho – hold him back from living his life to the fullest and enjoying Europe as is. 

Martin in his sweet, thoughtful, and well-intended existence just so happened to stroll into his life. As much as he tried to resist and keep the promise to himself not to fall down the same path he had with Incredible Miracle’s Top laner, something within him kept insisting that the Swedish AD Carry would be different.

Perhaps it was the way the young boy held himself with a nice balance between confidence and modesty. It could’ve been how naturally Martin touched him, as if simply playing with his hair was nothing more than an expression of close friendship. Maybe it was that beautiful smile that matched his sparkling, ash-blue eyes. Or potentially the kindness with which he showed Yeujin – knowing his boundaries with teasing the Jungler and respecting him when he expressed his opinions, unlike a certain Korean boy who shot down everything he offered with a smug smirk.

What he believed to be a passing crush hasn’t disappeared, even to this day. 

There should’ve been no surprise that when he paid Kyungho a visit and found a spark that relit his affections for the jokester of a Top laner, he found himself confused and conflicted. 

Yes, they had never established anything, but with all the affections Martin had showed him, they may as well have told everyone they were dating. Yeujin didn’t need them to explicitly state _anything_ for him to feel as though he had cheated on the younger now.

It wasn’t even because he had shared anything with Kyungho. No kisses. No affectionate touches. Not even a friendly hug when he left the hotel room. Yet, just knowing those feelings were resurfacing made him feel as though he were betraying his AD Carry and all his well-intended feelings. 

Don’t get him wrong, Yeujin knew he felt something strong towards Martin, be it love, sexual attraction, or perhaps both. Each time they shared a kiss – chaste or wanton – his heart would thump excitedly against his chest. Each time Martin embraced him in his arms, his heart would run a marathon before he could hold it back. Each time Martin played with his fiery hair or his lithe fingers, he would feel a certain giddiness that made him barely able to speak coherent sentences in either English or Korean. 

“Are you sure you’re alright…?” his eyes caught the worry in the young Swede’s bluish-grey irises. His light-colored eyebrows furrowed in concern when he stared deeply into Yeujin’s darker-colored eyes. 

The worry Martin expressed over him, and the fact that he even caught the discomfort in the first place, made Yeujin feel unreasonably happy. It showed that Martin cared. Sure, that fact was blatantly obvious, but having the confirmation was reassuring to Yeujin. Whether he deserved it or not, knowing someone in the world – other than his mother and siblings – cared deeply for his well-being filled his heart with warmth.

Yeujin gave the boy a rather sad smile as he raised a hand to gently caress his pale cheek. “Yeah. I’m…fine,” he breathed quietly, trying to make his lie convincing while he craned his neck to plant a playful kiss on the AD Carry’s nose. His half-hearted effort never managed to slip past the younger’s observant nature. 

He brought it upon himself. Yeujin should’ve known he wouldn’t be convincing enough with such effort. 

The young Korean couldn’t hold back the whine in his throat when Martin slowly sat up and a rush of cold air swept across his body. The only thing guarding him from the chill of the hotel room had been Martin’s warm body. 

“What’s wrong?” 

_No, no, no…_

Confrontation. 

There wasn’t very much he hated more than confrontation. 

“Nothing…”

“It’s not nothing,” Martin’s playful smile was gone, replaced by an expression of unhappy concern. Yeujin caught the plea in his eyes and he could feel his own heart break at the sight. He shook his head. He didn’t want to risk hurting the younger boy anymore by mentioning the Top laner of the team they had lost to last night. He shook his head a second time, as if to rid his mind of any such thoughts. The AD Carry seemed to read it as his refusal to reveal what was wrong, so he took a guess. “Was it…is it about last night?”

Yeujin flinched at the mention. Martin guessed that he reacted in such a manner because of what he also felt: the pain of losing 3-0 after a successful season and on their home field. 

Although that may have been part of it, it was more of how loud the words had sounded in the eerie silence of the hotel room that made Yeujin flinch. 

Before the Korean could even muster up a coherent sentence to explain his thoughts, Martin continued: “It’s not your fault. It’s not _anyone’s_. fault, so please don’t…don’t try to bear the burden yourself. We’re a team. As a team, we know how to, and will, grow. You saw us this summer.”

With one hand, Martin reached over to lace his fingers with Yeujin’s again, giving his smaller hand a firm squeeze. He knew that Martin’s words were nothing but the truth, but he could only nod to acknowledge that he was listening. That he understood.

“We’re strong. All of us. Sure, we were beat by KOO this time,” he choked on his words as tears threatened to fall. Yeujin gave a gentle squeeze to Martin’s hand. The feeling they had had on the stage right after the semi-finals had returned – not quite as strong, but it was still powerful enough to put both boys on the brink of tears. The Jungler wanted to comfort the younger boy, but it was already tough enough for himself to come to terms with what he was saying. Yeujin settled for tightening his fingers around Martin’s. “We’ll practice so hard when we get back after break. We’ll practice and we’ll beat everyone. We’ll show…we’ll show them that Fnatic isn’t dead. We’re still strong. We’ll get _stronger_ and we’ll beat them next year. We’re not done.” 

Midway through his little speech, a stray tear escaped from his eyes and trailed down his cheek. If Yeujin’s heart had cracked from the painful pressure of his earlier thoughts, it completely shattered while Martin spoke. He raised a hand to the back of the younger boy’s neck, pulling him closer until their foreheads were pressed together. He hadn’t realized how cold his hand was until he had it pressed against the warmth of Martin’s neck. 

It felt…comforting. 

The warmth spread from his palm to the rest of his limbs. Yeujin closed his eyes as he leaned forward, pressing his lips against the other boy’s watery eyes. The tears were salty to the taste, but the frustration he felt towards his thoughts of Kyungho had nearly disappeared, replaced by a heavy sense of bitterness. 

Nothing mattered anymore. Nothing except his desire to comfort Martin. To tell him that he was right, that they would return as an even stronger team than before. Everything else disappeared around him as his fingers tightened around Martin’s, a grip that seemed like he was holding on for dear life. Yeujin closed the space between them and bittersweetly pressed his salty lips to the younger’s. The taste of tears swirled between their tongues as he made sure the kiss was gentle and at least somewhat comforting. Scratch that, he wasn’t sure what he wanted to convey in the kiss, but he let his mind and body run free on his emotions. 

What they were, he wasn’t sure. 

But, it didn’t matter. 

Watching as Martin attempted to comfort him and broke down himself made Yeujin realized what it was that he felt. 

_I love him._

There was no more doubt left. It didn’t matter that Kyungho was part of him before, or even still was a small part of him. 

Martin was here in front of him. _Right now._

Martin has been _here_ with him. 

Martin cared, and he knew that Yeujin cared. 

He hated that it took this long for him to realize this, with tears running down their cheeks and their lips locked. He didn’t need anyone else. Martin understood him, and he still _wanted_ him with all his small – and not so small – faults. 

Martin was the first to pull away, despite Yeujin’s lungs burning for air. No words needed to be exchanged as they comfortably listened to each other’s heavy breaths, sitting in the bed with nothing else but their tears and thoughts to bother them. No words would suffice for what they felt.

But they said it anyways. 

“I love you.” 

An amused smile found itself a home on Yeujin’s lips when he realized they had said it at the same time. No context was needed, or rather it didn’t need to match the context. Those three words could mean nothing to someone else, but between them it meant more than just their affections. 

_I love you._

It meant everything. Their dedication, their trust, and a promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter~ I hadn't really expected to give it so many chapters at first, but it's happening(?).
> 
> Thank you so much to AeonWing for being my reliable beta <3 I'm sure it was a pain re-reading so many times ;;~;; but it wouldn't be what it is without you.


	3. Abandoned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That oh-so-fateful text message and those dreadful losses. 
> 
> Spring Split Week 7, 2017

March 10, 2017

A promise that wasn’t kept.

 

Martin hadn’t realized that that would be the last time he’d ever share a bed with Yeujin. The last time he’d see him face to face. The last time he’d kiss him. The last time he’d be _close enough_ to touch.

 

Imagine someone you shared countless intimate moments with every day disappearing without a word. Without saying goodbye or farewell.

 

That was exactly what Yeujin had done.

 

Martin felt as though he meant nothing to Yeujin. He had kept him in the dark on his decision before moving to North America. Martin couldn’t help but wonder: was he not good enough for him? After all the moments they shared, after the heavy defeat they felt during the end of the season, why had Yeujin wanted to leave him when they needed each other the most? He didn’t understand, not even in the slightest bit.

 

At least, Bora had asked for his opinion on signing with Team SoloMid for Spring 2016. He even explained that he had wanted to get a change of scenery. Martin knew that it wasn’t hard to bring up. Additionally, he knew it wouldn’t be goodbye forever. Sure, they were teammates and he’d lose his most trusted Support, but he knew Bora would still call. He had also promised that he would return to Europe.

 

Unlike Bora, Yeujin just completely cut off contact, making Martin feel _abandoned_.

 

Was it so hard to just tell him? To just mention it?

 

He didn’t even mind that Yeujin hadn’t asked for his opinion like Bora had. It wasn’t the fact that he left that hurt. It was the fact that he hadn’t been told personally about his decision to leave. Hearing about the decision from the organization and from Yeujin himself were two entirely different things.

 

It wasn’t like Martin had any issues with Dayoon, the new Jungler. In fact, ‘Spirit’ had been a fun guy. He had the playful and childish aura that had hung around ‘Huni’ the year before. Martin didn’t have any problems getting along with any of his other new teammates either. But it just wasn’t the same.

 

Dayoon wasn’t Yeujin. Yeongjin wasn’t Yeujin. Johan wasn’t Yeujin.

 

None of his new teammates gave him the same comfort – the same sense of _home_ – that Yeujin had given him. No one stayed up late with him, curled up under a few blankets talking the night away with the dim-lighting of a bedside lamp.

 

Martin let out a soft, almost silent, sigh. Things have only been going steadily downhill since that amazing 2015 Summer Split. He opened his eyes, glancing out the window of the van while his fingers absentmindedly played with the furry poro keychain on his backpack. It was his only physical reminder that Yeujin had once existed in his life.

 

The charm had been a birthday present from that year. A simple one, and probably not that expensive, but it was the first gift Yeujin had given him in their time together as… lovers? Boyfriends? Friends with benefits?

 

How could all the labels feel like they fit yet also feel entirely incorrect? It was like a puzzle piece that fit on three sides, but not the fourth.

 

The Korean Jungler had been anything but perfect. He fought off Martin’s advances the first few weeks, but he had seemed more afraid than disgusted, giving Martin the impression that Yeujin could potentially be attracted to him. Nonetheless, the Swede wasn’t easily deterred by the Korean’s hesitation. It didn’t take very long before the older boy gave in and simply accepted Martin’s affections. Simple things such as playing with his hair, leaning his head on his shoulder during rides to the LCS Studio, or sharing any sort of delicious food. As the barriers he built up were chipped away at, Yeujin slowly started reciprocating such affections with his own. With Yeujin’s lovely responses came some not-so-nice traits.

 

It hadn’t taken the AD Carry very long before he started uncovering traits that would make anyone else walk away with a roll of their eyes and an exasperated sigh. Yeujin had this tendency to throw biting words when he felt sad or upset. He’d let loose with no filter and sometimes the words hurt Martin more than stubbing his toe against the dinner table. Outside of the game, Yeujin hated admitting his wrongs and would do anything and everything to avoid taking responsibility or shouldering the blame. One of the worst traits to Martin was his tendency to close off when overthinking. He used to push Martin away when all the younger boy wanted to do was hold him in wordless comfort. Sometimes, he’d try to reassure him that some of the things he thought weren’t true, but Yeujin would dismiss it. In those times, Martin hated how Yeujin would rarely believe his genuine words.

 

Yet it was all the little flaws Martin had loved the most. The myriad of bad habits that ranged from harshly rubbing his tired eyes to overthinking every little thing. He loved being the one to care for him. Maybe it was because it gave him something to think about other than his growing personal problems. Things from his past were coming back to haunt him from high school and a heated argument with his father wasn’t something he really needed amidst it all. The Korean boy had been a distraction, in a twisted sort of way. But Yeujin was a distraction that he dearly cared for – or dare he say, _loved_.

 

He often mothered Yeujin about his physical bad habits, indirectly keeping his own subtle bad habits in check to not seem like a hypocrite. Even though Yeujin had leaned on him for so many more things than just comfort, Martin counted on him to keep himself sane. As long as he had Yeujin he didn’t have to worry about anything else. As long as he could hold him in his arms, he would have a warmth to calm his nerves.

 

That was until he left without warning, of course.

 

Now the nights felt colder without Yeujin curled up against him and he felt empty without the comfort of playing with his fluffy hair. His entire being would feel cold with no reason other than simple longing. Fiddling with the poro keychain was no substitute for Yeujin himself.

 

Martin had thought that he’d gotten over Yeujin. After what? Two years? Anyone would get over a relationship in two years, right? Two years without seeing each other, two years without talking. But Yeujin wasn’t someone Martin could just _get over_.

 

Yeujin left this gaping hole in his heart. A void that no one could fill. No matter how much he talked with his sister or his parents. No matter how many drinks he downed at the club with the team. No matter how many novels he buried himself in at night.

 

Just when he thought that he found something to distract him from the cold of missing Yeujin, something would jerk him back to the present. Someone would say something that felt like a bucket of cold water thrown in his face.

 

It wasn’t a nightmare. No, it was way worse than a nightmare. This was reality, and Yeujin had just been a pleasant, fleeting dream.

 

“Martin… Martin… hey, Martin!”

 

A harsh jab in the ribs snapped him out of his thoughts. The pain subsided rather quickly as he rubbed his assaulted side, “what?” he muttered softly, barely loud enough to be heard.

 

“Don’t zone out on the stage, m’kay buddy?” he knew that Nicholas was just teasing, but he couldn’t find the energy in his body to even respond with anything more than a tired quirk of his lips. Martin could feel the firm pat on his shoulder from his coach, but the words that followed became muffled and lost to his mind. ‘NicoThePico’ was a nice guy with friendly words, but ‘Rekkles’ was too mentally exhausted to do anything other than soak in his own thoughts, personal goals and plans for the game ahead.

 

Just as he didn’t have the energy to give a laugh in response to his coach’s teasing, his mind had decided to tune out all the noise around him. He stared out the window at the passing Berlin cityscape as Fnatic’s van drove the team to the studio for their match.

 

Not much later, Martin found himself leaning back into one of the chairs in Fnatic’s waiting room, staring up at the small holes in the ceiling and attempting to count them.

 

He never got farther than thirty since he’d lose track – accidentally skipping a number or two. He remembered a time where he and Yeujin would lay in his bed, limbs intertwined, pointing out all the well-known inconsistencies in the ceiling, speaking casually with only an occasional glance at each other. Remembering was like having a sweet daydream: pleasant, yet obviously just wishful thinking.

 

His phone vibrated in his hand with a message. It was a simple “good luck” from Fabian who promised he’d be watching the match and supporting him from the comforts of H2K’s gaming house.

 

_Why did you leave with everyone else…?_

 

Martin thought bitterly when he read the message. He tossed his unlocked phone aside, letting it land onto the tabletop with a soft thud. He hated how he was the only one left from the Fnatic team of 2015 and 2016. Yet, he felt a certain responsibility to stay and become the rock of the team just as Bora had been before he retired. He wanted to remain loyal to Fnatic, remembering how uncomfortable and strange it had been to play on Elements for one split.

 

“Martin.”

 

He turned around in the chair when called by name. Standing in the doorway with a phone pinned between her ear and shoulder as she struggled to close the bag at her hip was Fnatic’s Assistant Manager. Axelle tried to signal him to come over, but nearly dropped her phone so she settled for raising the hand trying to close the bag and waving him over.

 

“Bora wants to talk to you,” Axelle’s heavy French accent gave off an air of maturity in her English. In a split second, she switched back to French effortlessly as she asked something of the male over the phone. A hint of a smile played on the corner of her magenta-painted lips.  

 

‘YellOwStaR’s retirement hadn’t hit him as hard as he imagined it would. Midway through the Summer Split of 2016, he nearly walked in on Bora and Axelle having a conversation about his potential retirement while the latter was making breakfast for the team.

 

_“Axelle, do you ever want to go back to France? Like, for good, not for a break?”_

 

In that moment, eavesdropping behind the wall next to the open doorway, Martin had felt a little betrayed. His most trusted support and mentor might leave him again, but for good this time. At that time, he had only focused on the fact that he would be losing his friend. But, after a few days, he came to the realization that he was no longer the same little rookie he was when he had first met Bora. Like a baby bird from the nest, he’d have to leave his nurturing mentor sooner or later and learn to fly on his own.

 

He also knew Bora’s retirement was well-deserved after all his professional achievements at the keyboard. Also, it wasn’t like he completely cut off contact with him. He often called the house to check in on his girlfriend and almost every time he would ask Axelle to let him have a quick chat with ‘Rekkles.’

 

Bora was a sort of mentor to him – in both the game and his life. He was the older brother that always kept the order in the house, yet had the sense of humor to still play around with the younger children. It meant more than anything to Martin that Bora kept consistent contact with him. He was still an anchor in his life, even though he now lived an 8 to 10-hour train ride away.

 

Martin hadn’t taken his unlocked phone with him when he got up to make his way over to Axelle’s side. In the midst of all the casual chatter between his other teammates, no one noticed ‘Caps,’ who rolled his way across the room on his chair to play around with the 20-year-old AD Carry’s vulnerable phone.

 

Rasmus had no ill-intentions. Fnatic’s baby Mid laner was only up to his usual childish antics. He couldn’t have foreseen how hard Martin would take today’s loss. He couldn’t have foreseen Yeujin’s frustrations from _his_ team’s loss. He definitely couldn’t have foreseen what one little text message would bring.

 

He managed to send a short message and delete it before Martin finished his call with Bora. A light smirk was the only indication that the young Danish boy had done anything to the Swede’s phone. No one noticed how he squirmed in his own seat like a small child knowing he’d caused some sort of mischief.

 

Martin had no idea what was to come from that one little message he’d never know was sent. Then again, no one else could’ve seen what was coming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thank you to AeonWing for being an amazing beta <3 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed it, although it _is_ a bit short...


	4. Morality of Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sitting alone in the dark isn’t really what he needs. But that’s where Yeujin is: alone.
> 
> Spring Split Week 7, 2017

March 10, 2017

 

Yeujin sat in almost complete darkness at the top of the staircase. Other than the muffled snores of his teammates, the house was dead silent. His eyes stung from the past hour of crying and attempting to explain everything to Kayli through his choking tears. Thankfully the door was closed and no one else in the house had been around to witness his “ _unmanly_ ” behavior.

 

He raised a hand to his eye, rubbing it out of habit. A sudden pang of loneliness hit him in the chest as he remembered how Martin used to stop him from rubbing his eyes back in Germany. Suddenly he felt the urge to cry again, but he had no tears left. This was the most he had missed Martin for as long as he could remember.

 

Maybe it was all the stress of having to focus on more than just himself for his new team, or maybe it was the criticism from not being able to live up to the reputation he had built on Fnatic _and_ Immortals, or maybe it was Martin’s sudden text message. Whatever it was, he craved for the younger male’s presence more than ever. So much that it scared him. It couldn’t have been normal to miss someone so much after so long. After all, he had been cruel enough to break off contact; he shouldn’t be _allowed_ crave Martin.

 

But he still missed the warmth from his larger body, his gentle touches, his calming deep voice.

 

Yeujin felt so stupid. He didn’t have the right to feel like this. It was his fault in the first place that they had stopped talking after he left. He didn’t _deserve_ someone as lovely, kind-hearted, and caring as Martin.

 

1:24 AM.

 

Yeujin stared at the dimly lit screen of his phone. It’s only been ten minutes since he stepped out of his room, leaving Kayli sound asleep by herself on his bed. Despite being on the lowest brightness setting, the screen still hurt his eyes when he unlocked his phone. Enduring through the burning sensation in his eyes, he continued to stare at the blinding screen, reading the same four words over and over.

 

‘We need to talk.’

 

It’s been two years. What could they possibly need to talk about? What could have possibly convinced Martin that Yeujin, who had unintentionally abandoned him, was worth his time and effort to try to get a hold of after refusing to talk to him for nearly two years? It’s been a little over a year since Martin gave up on trying to get a response out of Yeujin, so why now?

 

During the Spring Split of 2016, Yeujin received text messages, and even calls sometimes, at least once a day, pleading him to answer. Martin wanted a reason. Nearing the end of the Split, he gave up on trying to get a reason and started sending messages just to get Yeujin to talk back. Yet, for some reason, Yeujin didn’t want to give him the chance. And eventually, around the end of the Summer Split that year, Martin gave up. No more messages, no more calls, nothing.

 

As the messages and calls became less frequent, Yeujin found himself wanting an excuse to call him. But after ignoring all of the Swedish AD Carry’s attempts at contacting him, Yeujin knew he had no right to call. He had probably broken the beautiful Swede’s heart by completely breaking off contact. He knew his actions sent a message he hadn’t really intended: “you never meant anything to me. It’s not like we were ‘ _official_ ’ or anything.”

 

Sure, he didn’t know what he felt for Martin. Whether it was love, or lust. Not that it mattered. Martin _meant_ something to him. Martin wasn’t a nobody, he wasn’t a mere acquaintance, or _just_ a teammate. And Yeujin had betrayed him. Love or not, his refusal to talk and his sudden departure was definitely betrayal no matter how he looked at it.

 

He knew how afraid Martin was of betrayal. He remembered the stories of Martin’ childhood that conditioned him to fear betrayal more than what others might deem “normal.” Yet he still did it. Why?

 

_I’m just a fucking little piece of ungrateful shit, that’s why._

 

He knew no number of apologies could make up for his actions, so he didn’t bother returning the other boy’s calls many months too late. Now Yeujin was stuck here, staring at the screen until it turned black. A tired sigh fell from his lips as he leaned back until he was lying on the floor and staring up at the darkened ceiling.

 

Now that he looked back on it, his reasons for ignoring Martin were ridiculously stupid. First, it had been out of spite towards Fnatic for not accepting his proposed contract terms which he had thought were quite reasonable in light of all he had done for the organization. ‘Rekkles’ represented all that Fnatic was in his mind. He was the organization’s League of Legends poster boy.

 

He quickly realized how childish that was for a reason. Seunghoon probably helped him realize that since he continually pestered him about picking up the calls or answering one of the text messages. The young Top laner probably had no idea why his Jungler so adamantly refused to accept their former AD Carry’s calls, but he often vocally expressed how he felt about it.

 

_You’re being ridiculous, hyeong. Pick up the goddamn call. He just wants to talk._

ROX Tigers, AD Kill, and Immortals didn’t attend IEM Katowice in 2016, giving the four best friends a much appreciated vacation. Yeujin, Kayli, and Seunghoon had all flown home to Korea to visit their families despite the break being so short. Since Fnatic had gone to compete, Martin had become busier and his texts became less frequent. Although there were less messages, it didn’t escape ‘Huni’ when his hyeong ignored the messages during the time he spent in Korea. When these things didn’t escape Seunghoon’s attention, Yeujin would get pestered. One of the biggest things in common they have is their stubbornness. Yeujin wouldn’t budge on his position. He had decided not to pick up any calls or answer any text messages from Martin and he had continued to stand by that decision no matter what anyone else did or said. On the other hand, the younger Top laner would push him around, toss some not so respectful words at his _hyeong_ , all in hopes that at some point the Jungler would break and just pick up the call. Despite all of Seunghoon’s attempts, Yeujin had been impossible to break.

 

Since ROX still held practices, Kyungho had invited his three friends over to the gaming house to hang out. While Kayli became preoccupied with ROX’s baby tiger in the Jungle, Yeujin became distracted by Kyungho’s unusual close behavior when he stayed there.

 

Sometimes the team would gather around to watch a movie at some obscure hour with their new friends, and under the cloak of darkness Kyungho would grab his hand and play with his soft fingers while leaning his entire body against him. When he spoke, he would lean real close to tease him – so close that Yeujin could feel the Top laner’s breath against his lips or the shell of his ear.

 

The night before the three NA players flew back to their teams, _something_ had happened. What exactly Yeujin wasn’t sure since he had been drunk out of his mind that night. However, the relationship between him and Kyungho suddenly felt very different and he wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad thing. He hated how hazy his memory would get whenever he drank too much.

 

“Hazy” was an understatement. Yeujin forgot pretty much everything whenever he drank a little more than he could hold.

 

His spiteful attitude for not answering Martin became fear for falling even deeper for the charming AD Carry. Fear for rekindling a fire he was trying his damnedest to extinguish, thinking the relationship – whatever it had been – couldn’t to last. Kyungho had finally given him the sort of attention he desperately craved, but deep down he knew Martin had always given it to him without asking for anything in return.

 

Martin was obviously more endearing than Kyungho, and he had no intentions of messing with Yeujin, or confusing him with unusual behavior.

 

Except, that was exactly why.

 

Martin was perfect.

 

Everything Yeujin could’ve asked for, and everything he didn’t deserve.

 

So the Jungler continued to avoid him, this time out of fear of loving him. He knew he loved Kyungho – hell, he’s known that since his time on Incredible Miracle – but he also knew he held something just as deep for Martin. Loving more than one person wasn’t moral. According to his culture, loving a man such as himself wasn’t “moral.” But as he spent more time away from home, in Europe and the United States, he discovered that it wasn’t immoral. Loving who you love shouldn’t be subject to judgement by society. Yet, even when if he could love whoever he wanted – man or woman – he knew loving more than one person couldn’t be moral.

 

Or rather, even if it was, it couldn’t have been socially _acceptable –_ in Korea, in Europe, in America, or anywhere really…

 

…at least, that was what he thought until Kyungho approached him with the proposal to open their relationship to include ‘Deft.’ Kyungho promised that he loved them both equally. He also mentioned that Hyukkyu was willing to learn to love Yeujin just as he loved Kyungho. Each one of them could lean onto each other for support, for comforting talks, or just for simply showing love and affection. For Yeujin it would have to be through words more so than actions since he was an entire ocean away, but what Yeujin couldn’t do, Kyungho noted that Hyukkyu could make up for. He had meant physical comfort and affections, but it wasn’t how Yeujin heard it.

 

He had panicked when Kyungho first proposed this new relationship. He couldn’t think of any reason for Kyungho to fall in love with another other than because he was too far away to satisfy the older’s sexual desires. Too far away to reaffirm their love for each other. He couldn’t help but think that he should’ve just returned to Korea, even if his only option in the professional scene was to be a substitute Jungler, or even just playing in the Challengers Series. At least then, even if he wasn’t doing exactly what he wanted, he would’ve been able to confirm that Kyungho actually loved him.

 

So, he had been angry when Kyungho first brought up the idea. Mostly towards himself for not returning to Korea, just as Seunghoon had. Yet, also mixed with fear. Yeujin’s fears from back when they were on Incredible Miracle, the fear of Kyungho loving Seohaeng, had come true. But rather than Kyungho loving his Mid laner, Kyungho loved his AD Carry.

 

If Kyungho had enough love in his heart to give to someone else, shouldn’t he focus all his attention on that someone else? Didn’t that mean he had fallen _out of love_ for Yeujin? Didn’t that mean Yeujin just _wasn’t enough_?

 

When Yeujin gave up on trying to get Kyungho’s love after he left Korea, he had made a conscious decision to try to “fall out of love” for the Top laner. Not even a few months had passed since his heartbreak over his simple crush when Martin strolled into his life and stole his heart. Sure, there was a small part of him that clung onto the lovely thought of Kyungho, but Yeujin had given his attention and his love to Martin once he let the younger boy into his heart. If he gave up one to love the other, why didn’t Kyungho do that? It wasn’t fair to him or Hyukkyu to only get half of Kyungho’s love. At least in Yeujin’s opinion it wasn’t.

 

It’s been almost two months since they had last talked about exploring a polyamorous relationship. When Yeujin asked for some space, the Top laner had reluctantly gave it to him. At least, he hoped it was reluctant. Kyungho didn’t argue with him more, didn’t beg for him to just try, didn’t plead with him to not walk away. The fact that he wasn’t held onto more tightly hurt. He wanted the Top laner to show that he truly cared for him, truly _loved_ him. But he didn’t do any of those things. Kyungho had just let Yeujin turn his back on him.

 

_I fucking love you, Kyungho. Why won’t you just tell me I matter?_

 

Yes, Yeujin knew he had asked him to give him space, but he desperately wanted Kyungho. He wanted him to tell him to stay, that he would give him anything he wanted because he loved him, too. He knew his words made no sense and that they expressed the exact opposite of what he truly wanted from Kyungho, but he had been too insecure to say what exactly was on his mind or what exactly he wanted.

 

Now Yeujin was afraid to confront him again. It’s been a month and a half. Probably a happy month and a half for Kyungho who had spent it with Hyukkyu right there with him in Seoul. Right there in the same gaming house.

 

Yeujin knew having the one you love right there by your side 24 hours, 7 days a week, could make anyone feel remarkably happy. He knew because that was how he felt with Martin by his side in the Summer of 2015 in Fnatic’s gaming house. Close enough to touch, close enough to kiss, close enough to _love_.

 

He knew a long distance was going to be at least a little difficult, but he hadn’t expected Kyungho to tell him that he also loved someone else just as much as he loved him a few months into their established relationship. The fact that that someone else lived in the same house as Kyungho made Yeujin feel even worse. He was obviously not enough for the Top laner if that was the case.

 

If Kyungho _had_ been dating him when he left for Germany, if Yeujin had one day just told him that he loved Martin as much as he loved him, he was sure that Kyungho would have probably felt the same way he felt right now. Like a bad boyfriend, for not being able to provide Kyungho the affections he desired with the ocean between them, and for simply just not being enough for him.

 

He knew he had a bad habit of overthinking. It was because of said bad habit that he had tossed Martin aside without any valid reasons.

 

There was no doubt that Yeujin hated himself for it.

 

Maybe, if he hadn’t been so hung up over Kyungho, he could’ve happily been with Martin right now. Without any worries, without any drama. Sure, it would’ve also been a long distance relationship, but it would’ve been one that he could trust. One where he knew Martin’s feelings were true.

 

After Kyungho approached him about including Hyukkyu, to say that he doubted the Top laner’s love would be an understatement.

 

Yeujin rolled over to his side for a second, but then shifted onto his back again when it quickly became uncomfortable. He turned the screen on, leaving the phone locked so that he could stare at the photo on the lock screen. He had made it two different pictures: the top one was of him and Kayli as elementary students, an ice cream bar in hand for both of them. Young Kayli was smiling widely as she tried to feed a reluctant Yeujin her cold treat. Underneath the first was a picture of the two of them, posing in a similar manner, from two years ago.

 

Martin had taken the second picture for them. In fact, it had been his idea to do a remake of that picture when Kayli came to visit over the summer. It had been midway through the summer split and Kayli had convinced her parents to let her visit Yeujin in Germany during her summer break from university. A couple days before her arrival, Yeujin remembered flipping through an old photobook of pictures taken of Kayli and him. He had curled up under the covers of Martin’s bed with only the warm lights of a bedside lamp.

 

The Swedish AD Carry noted several times that that one was his favorite out of all the extremely cute pictures. Yeujin vehemently disagreed because of the tacky bright orange and blue-stripped t-shirt he was wearing and the ridiculous bowl-cut and bangs he sported.

 

 _“It’s adorable. What’s there not to like? … fine, I guess I_ am _a little biased…”_

 

He could vividly remember the smile, the laugh, and the amused roll of Martin’s eyes as he attempted to convince him that the picture was horrible.

 

As he let the memory fade back into the depths of his mind, Yeujin focused his eyes back on his phone to see his thumb hovering over Martin’s phone number.

 

_You’re such a cruel person, Yeujin. How could you call him now after so long? He’s probably moved on by now. Besides, if you were him wouldn’t you hate yourself, too?_

 

He wanted to scream at himself, but a voice in the back of his mind constantly reminded him that it was nearly 2AM and everyone else was fast asleep in the house. His fingers squeezed his phone tightly, as he lifted his arms up to bury his face in them. Ignoring the discomfort, he curled up into a ball, wanting to cry but failing to, while internally screaming until his imaginary throat hurt.

 

_Stupid. Stupid…So fucking stupid…_

 

An hour or so ago, he had laid under thin bedsheets wrapped in Kayli’s thin arms as she tried to comfort him. Her soft whispers and steady heartbeat had coaxed him into spilling all his thoughts. Once he’d finished, she gave him her opinion. Spoken with a gentle, soothing voice full of nothing but love and support.

 

_“Normally, I’d be extremely supportive of you to call him and mend things, but did you see him on Twitter after Fnatic’s match against Unicorns?”_

Kayli had stopped him from impulsively calling the Swedish player in the midst of tears and extreme frustration. He hadn’t realized how suffocating his self-hate and regret was until he had finished explaining everything to her.

_“Even if he texted you earlier and wanted to talk then, are you sure you’ll be telling him the things he wants to hear? Fnatic’s loss broke him, Jin. He’s not okay. He’s not in the right mind to talk anything out with you. Think, Jin. Think. I know he meant – means – a lot to you, but after two years? You’re suddenly popping in from nowhere. I know for a solid fact that you’re strong, but today’s loss I’m sure was more straining, right?”_

 

He had given her a slow nod when he realized how right she was.

 

“ _See. You should sleep it over first. In the morning, you can send him a text to make sure he still wants to talk, m’kay?”_

 

He had conceded, knowing full well that everything she said was true. Because, what right did he have to storm back into ‘Rekkles’s life? Whether it was real frustrating at the moment or not.

 

Yet, right here, at this moment, Yeujin couldn’t think of doing anything other than hitting the call button and hearing Martin’s voice. He could just listen and not speak, then he wouldn’t say anything Martin didn’t want to hear, right? Yeujin could just hear his voice in his mind. Deep and comforting as always.

 

“Hello.”

 

He must’ve been overthinking again, why else would Martin’s voice be so clear in his mind? It’s been two years. Surely it would’ve distorted his memory and Martin’s voice could’ve changed.

 

“Hello…?”

 

That beautiful, soothing voice. It did sound a bit more hoarse than he remembered. Maybe it was just his imagination and all that thinking deeply about the entire team and rewatching VODs over and over again was finally messing with his memory.

 

His own mind sure was evil to play himself like that.

 

“Yeujin…?”

 

Yeujin furrowed his eyebrows when he heard his name with that soft tang of a Swedish accent. He missed hearing his name rolling off of Martin’s tongue so naturally.

 

Wait.

 

His eyes snapped open in realization when he pulled his arms away from his face and stared at his cellphone screen. His heart stopped in terror when he saw that he hadn’t been imagining anything and that he had accidentally hit Martin’s number when he clenched his fingers tightly around his unlocked phone. Just as quickly as he felt it stop, his heart was suddenly pounding violently against his ribcage as if trying to escape his panicking body.

 

“Are you oka – there?”

 

The flustered Jungler brought the phone to his ear, unsure of what to say. He couldn’t think of anything coherent to say and his tongue decided to trip over some English words. “I…I…uhh…”

 

_Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Come on, Yeujin. Don’t be such an idiot._

 

“Hi,” he finally managed to stutter out with a racing heart and nervously shaking limbs. “Hi…Martin.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to keep those of you patiently waiting so long ;;~;; I’m so afraid I might let you guys down with my writing if I don’t have all my ideas thought out - or even if they’re thought out and just not good >~<
> 
> Once again, thanks to AeonWing this sweetheart ♡ forever reliable beta
> 
> Please tell me your thoughts ^~^


	5. better late than never, no?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even though he said he would sleep it off, Martin can’t sleep after he apologizes on social media.
> 
> His phone rings, with the ringtone he hasn’t heard in years. 
> 
> Why? Why was he calling now of all times?

 

Sitting with his back against the bed frame, Martin had his knees pulled up to his chest, half-burying himself in the soft bedsheets. He had his phone in one hand, thumb scrolling through the hundreds of supportive tweets in response to his outburst a few hours ago.

 

‘I’m sorry for unveiling like this on Twitter, but many times it feels like you guys are the closest thing I have after “losing” Bora.’

 

No. He couldn’t say that about Bora. Especially after getting almost daily calls from his former lane partner. He hit the backspace key several times. Martin stared at the half of the tweet that was left – the vertical line in the white space blinking back at him.

 

‘… the closest thing I have after “losing” Yeujin.’

 

He stared at the words he had just typed on his phone before shaking his head at himself. No, that wasn’t right.

 

How could he lose something he never _really_ had in the first place?

 

He scoffed at himself, delving in bitterness and regret. Bitterness at Yeujin for not only leaving without a word – without a reason – but also ignoring all his calls and texts. Regret at not clarifying everything with Yeujin. Not telling him clearly that he loved him. Not telling him clearly that he wanted to be his boyfriend and not just a friend he could cuddle late at night and occasionally kiss.

 

After a few moments of thought, he decided that he couldn’t let Yeujin see that his departure had affected him on a public forum. He couldn’t let Yeujin _know_ that his heart still ached. He had a reputation to uphold. He was the mentally, and physically, strong Swedish boy of Fnatic and no amount of losses – no matter how devastating – could bring him down.

 

Even if it did, he wasn’t supposed to show that to the rest of the world. He needed to prove to everyone that the earlier outburst was just a bump in the road and that he was “okay,” that he wasn’t _completely_ falling apart.

 

More backspaces.

 

‘…after “losing” Fabian.’

 

An exhausted sigh fell from his lips. It still didn’t express what he felt to its fullest extent, but that would have to do. It wasn’t Fabian’s fault that Martin couldn’t convince him to stay and re-sign with a declining powerhouse organization. At least, declining in their field of play.

 

Just like he hadn’t been enough for Yeujin to stay even when they were still doing well.

 

Martin closed his eyes for a moment, tilting his head up to the darkened ceiling. When he opened his eyes again, he caught the dim light from the phone in his hand fade to black, plunging him into darkness.

 

Even though he had noted that he was going to get some sleep on Twitter, he hadn’t been able to sleep at all. He tossed and turned in his heavy bedsheets, thoughts running wildly in his mind and adrenaline keeping his heart racing just a little over its natural rhythm. Those few hours of simmering in his own thoughts brought him to the realization that he had made himself extremely vulnerable in front of tens of thousands of people across the world. It was too late to delete them – at least too late to delete without giving a reason for what had happened.

 

He had revealed more to millions of faceless strangers than Yeujin had ever shared with him after his departure.

 

So here he was, typing out another string of tweets to explain and apologize. “I’m still the same ‘strong’ Swede of Fnatic, a little broken, but nothing I can’t bounce back from,” were the words he implied in his second round of tweets. He couldn’t say _nothing_ was wrong, but he could tell everyone he’d be able to come back from it. Whether that was a truth or a lie would be for time to decide.

 

Once he let the thoughts write themselves down, he felt as though a weight had been lifted off his chest. Albeit a small one, but some part of the emotional burden had disappeared after letting his thoughts loose.

 

He could sleep now. At least, that was what Martin wished to believe. Regardless, he would try. It never hurt to simply try.

 

Martin liked to think that he’s always been open to trying many things. Like the first time he tried kissing another boy, or the first time he tried a sport other than football. He prided himself in “always” keeping his mind open. He believed that he wasn’t afraid of changes.

 

Somewhere deep down, something within him knew he was. He was, in fact, _very_ afraid of changes.

 

The young Swede slid down until the covers were pulled up to his chin. He rolled over onto his side, and gently placed his phone on his bedside table. Curled up in the darkness, with only his bedsheets to keep him company in a seemingly oversized bed. Funny thing was, the bed was the same size as his previous one before he moved into Oliver’s old room. Yet, it still felt different. Whether it was a good or bad different, Martin wasn’t entirely sure.  

 

With his eyes closed, he let his chest heave slowly. In and out. In and out. Deep breaths.

 

Anything to keep his mind off today’s – no, this week’s – events. Hell, he just needed to quit thinking.

 

Curling tighter into a small ball of discomfort, Martin closed his eyes. He just needed to forget it all. The pain in his forearms, the hurt in his chest, the tears that he wished to cry but would never come no matter how much he willed them to.

 

If only Yeujin was still here. If only he were down the hall, ready to slip into his room at a moment’s notice whenever he needed comfort. Yeujin had been a warm presence that always reassured him. A warmth that had always been readily available for him to wrap his arms around and hold tightly. It wasn’t just because of the Berlin winter, but nights – and even days – definitely felt much colder. Chilling him down to his bones whenever he thought back to 2015 and what they could’ve become. What everyone on the team could’ve become _together_. What _he and Yeujin_ could’ve become together as a part of a team, as partners, as _lovers_.

 

Thousands of “what ifs” flooded his mind, just as they did every night in his large, empty room.

 

What if Yeujin and Seunghoon didn’t sign onto Immortals together? What if Bora never left for North America? What if he had taken a stronger initiative to become especially close to Dayoon and Yeongjin, just as Johan had to him? What if he had tried to build the same sense of family with the 2016 team like he had with his 2015 and 2014 Fnatic teams? What if he had held onto Yeujin tighter? What if he had begged him to come back? What if he had told him ‘I love you’ sooner and more often?

 

So many “what ifs,” not enough “had beens.”

 

He heard the vibrations of his phone on the wooden bedside table before he heard the ringtone. Yet, it didn’t register to him that someone was calling. It’s been forever since he’s heard that custom ringtone. A soft, orchestral song that a certain someone had helped him cut and save as a ringtone. A song meant to preserve their memory forever, like a flower in resin. A forever that would never fade.

 

Martin let his eyes flutter open, the bright light of his phone lighting up in the darkness snapped him awake. A beacon of light in complete darkness.

 

His arm reached out with renewed energy, ignoring the stinging wave of pain from his forearm as his fingers wrapped around his phone. Martin brought the brightened screen to his face, looking just to be that sure his ears weren’t playing tricks on him.

 

Surely enough, the Caller ID and the picture of the two of them together at an amusement park proved his memory correct.

 

He didn’t even hesitate to answer the call. His thumb slide across the screen, answering without even a moment’s pause. Was it out of habit that he answered or was it out of desperation to hear _his_ voice again? He couldn’t tell. Not like it truly mattered. He’d already accepted the call.

 

Martin stared at the screen again. The picture was gone, now replaced by the caller’s name at the top of the screen. A name that sent butterflies fluttering around in his stomach, as cliché as it sounded, and jumbled all the words in his thoughts – in both English _and_ Swedish. Just a simple name that could drive him crazy, yet calm a ferocious storm.

 

_Kim Yeujin._

 

Martin caught his bottom lip in his teeth, biting down in slight nervousness. He had answered it, now what? Why now? What would he say? What _could_ he say?

 

He hasn’t even given his former Jungler a text or a call in months. Something in the back of his mind told him this was stupid and ridiculous, he should’ve just ignored the call. Yet, everything else inside of himself tugged him towards answering. Yeujin had answered after his numerous failed attempts at getting ahold of him.

 

_Finally._

 

But what was he going to say now? Yeujin had finally turned around to look back at him, yet everything he had wanted to say before – everything he had wanted to ask – had simply disappeared from his mind.

 

A minute passed of Martin just staring at the dimmed screen of his phone. He gingerly brought it to his ear, as if he were afraid that the small device would bite him. The quiet sound of the Korean boy’s breathing filled his ears. Steady, like a gentle heartbeat. The soft, naturally human sounds threw him back to a hotel room they shared during 2015 Worlds.

 

_Yeujin had wrapped his arms loosely around Martin’s larger body, letting him rest his head against his chest. With his eyes closed, he could feel the older boy running his fingers through his growing, blond hair late into the night. After the news of his late grandmother, Yeujin had been there every day, every hour, for his comfort. Sometimes reassuring him with words, other times with his mere wordless presence. At night, in the confines of their shared hotel room, with the noise of the stadium forgotten, Martin laid there, burying his face into Yeujin’s smaller body, breathing in his scent._

 

But that seemed like ages ago. Now the warmth of Yeujin was gone. It had been gone for nearly two years now.

 

Martin opened his mouth, yet, despite wanting to say something, he closed it. He didn’t want to break the silence that calmed his soul. Just hearing the other boy’s breathing made him relax, forgetting reality for now.

 

The second time he opened his mouth to speak, he was still hesitant. He felt as though he had stuttered, when in fact, his voice had been quite clear:

 

“Hello.”

 

Martin’s breath got caught in his throat when he received no response. His muscles tightened, and he curled up tighter as if to protect himself. Thousands of thoughts returned, swimming around in his mind.

 

Why wasn’t he saying anything? Did someone dare him to call? No, Yeujin wasn’t easily swayed by simple dares to do anything. Did something happen to him? Was it because he didn’t say anything when he picked up?

 

His eyes darted to the clock on his bedside table. At any other time, he would’ve been surprised at himself for being able to calculate the time difference so quickly. It was the middle of the night on a weekend. Maybe Yeujin had been waiting for him to say something first, but fell asleep after waiting so long.

 

“Hello?” he tried again. Martin nearly choked, feeling his voice break midway through the simple word. He held back a cough from his dry throat.

 

Maybe it would’ve just been better for him to hang up at this point.  He hasn’t heard Yeujin’s voice in years – at least not directed at him. He’s heard him during post-game interviews when he watched NA LCS with his team and in other media promotions. But hearing Yeujin talk _to him_ was entirely different. At least, to him it felt different.

 

But that was last year. He hasn’t closely kept up with NA LCS this split, focusing entirely on himself and what he could bring to his new team thus far. He didn’t have the luxury to see what Yeujin was up to. He guessed he was doing well, just as he had last year with Immortals. A week or two ago, he’d overheard people in the hallways of the studio and in the gaming house talking about how disappointing it must’ve been to be on Team Liquid. Yet, no matter how bad people described the team’s run so far, he just couldn’t see Yeujin being as upset or as frustrated as himself. Besides, from social media at the beginning of the split, he remembered seeing how closely bonded Yeujin had become with his new teammates. Unlike him with his failing family.

 

Everyone on the 2017 Fnatic roster were all bound by contract to simply win. Always playing, practicing, talking strategies. There were no more jokes, no more movie nights, no more group work outs or football games. Sure, Axelle cooked dinner like Oliver once had, but even if she tried to encourage everyone to sit around the table and eat together – eat like a family – she had no Luis to back her up. Nicholas hadn’t felt the importance of making everyone sit down and eat together, to forget League for just one hour and bond while they ate.  

 

So, was it even a family anymore?

 

Bora, the responsible older brother, was gone. Fabian, the always smiling, younger brother, was gone. Johan, the unreasonably mature, younger brother, was gone. Even the two caring fathers, Luis and Oliver, were both long gone.

 

The voice in the back of his mind yelled at him to just hang up. Yet the rest of his entire being told him that this was his chance. His chance to talk to Yeujin again after a long time – one he might not ever get again if he didn’t take it. A chance to go back to what was normal.

 

“Yeujin…?”

 

Just saying that name felt so natural on his tongue. It was a name he hasn’t spoken in a long time. He hasn’t had anyone to say it to. He hasn’t had anyone to direct it to. _Yeujin_. A simple, yet difficult name to pronounce the first time he had looked at it.

 

_Just hang up._

_No, give him time. He’ll answer._

_No. He won’t. You’re being childish. He doesn’t care about you._

_But he called…_

_That doesn’t mean anything._

 

Martin squeezed his eyes shut, just wanting an answer. He didn’t want to give that voice in his mind the satisfaction of being right. Yeujin cared about him. He did. There was no way that he didn’t. If he didn’t care about him, he wouldn’t have smiled so brightly at him those countless times, or lulled him to sleep with his heartbeat for so many nights. He wouldn’t have promised him that they would make Fnatic great the next season or that they would snap back from their loss in the semifinals and dominate the next season.

 

_He didn’t keep those promises._

 

Sure, he didn’t keep those promises, but Martin was sure that Yeujin had his own reasons.

 

_He ignored you for two years. You’re being irrational._

 

Yet, he finally called. He’s finally answered back. And Martin wasn’t going to let this chance slip by. The chance of returning to normalcy.

 

_Martin, he’s only going to hurt you._

_No, you’re wrong._

_He’s only going to betray you again. Hang up now, before it’s too late._

 

He pushed the voice aside, wanting to block it out. Yet, no matter how much he wanted to, he couldn’t. Because, this voice wasn’t wrong.

 

Just when he thought Yeujin had decided to spend more time with Fnatic, with _him_ , he left. Just when he thought Yeujin cared about him enough to keep in touch, he ignored his attempts at contacting him. The voice had reason – it was right.

 

Yet, Martin couldn’t help but hold onto the belief that it was wrong. Because it was. He couldn’t base his belief on anything other than the feeling that Yeujin wouldn’t betray him again. But, he wanted to believe, more than anything, he wanted to believe that that voice inside of him was wrong.

 

“Are you ok –” _No. Okay wasn’t the right word._ “– there?”

 

The response wasn’t immediate, but after a slight pause. Yeujin finally spoke.

 

“I…I…uhh…”

 

It wasn’t nothing, and Martin couldn’t help the smile that graced his lips as his eyes opened. His bedroom was getting lighter, painted in an ethereal blue from the sun that would rise from the horizon in a couple hours.

 

His fingers clutched the bedsheets tightly, knuckles growing white as he waited for Yeujin to say more.

 

“Hi,” Martin let out a breath he hadn’t known he was holding when Yeujin spoke. A wave of relief washed over him and he relaxed, just a little. “Hi… Martin.”

 

The way he said his name, with the slight tang of a Korean accent, yet the fluency of an able English speaker, spread a certain warmth through his frozen limbs.

 

It was comforting, as always. Just as he remembered it. Not too low in pitch, but not high either. Smooth and warm, like Kayli’s hot chocolate from the time she came to visit.

 

“How… how have you – how are you doing?”

 

The bitter, more logical side of himself coldly thought that was a ridiculous question. The stronger, more emotionally-driven side happily answered the boy on the line.

 

“Not my best, but it could be worse."

 

Lying through his teeth, of course. It wasn’t entirely false, but a good portion of himself believed that things really _couldn’t_ get any worse. And he was just getting more and more exhausted from trying to keep up the appearance that he was okay, that nothing was wrong, that everything was alright in the world.

 

“Oh, that’s…good. I guess.”

 

_Good...? Good? What the fuck, Yeujin? This is not good._

 

A grimace scarred his expression as frustration filled his being. The bitterness was slowly taking over, but he still wanted Yeujin to continue. He still wanted to hear Yeujin speak _to him_. He still wanted to ask him, even tell him that he missed him and wanted him to come back.

 

_He’s not worth it. He hasn’t missed you, so why should you miss him?_

_If he loved you. He never would’ve left._

 

The thoughts were like a slap in the face. The voice was playing rough against his optimistic self, but the things it said were true. He had no way to retort or prove it wrong. Yeujin had made no attempts to call back, the thousands of times Martin had called him. He had no reasons to give. He hadn’t even given Martin the chance to simply ask for one. So why should he believe or even have the slightest bit of hope that Yeujin _truly_ loved him?

 

“So… uhm…”

 

A long silence hung in the air. Martin kept the phone pressed to his ear, waiting to hear more. He just needed Yeujin to talk. He just needed Yeujin to say that he would be there for him and that everything would be alright. He just needed Yeujin to tell him that he wanted to come back, that he’s _trying_ to come back. For him.

 

“How’s… how’s Berlin?”

 

Martin hated small talk. He didn’t always, but he thought Yeujin would know him well enough that he wouldn’t make some in a call that he’s put off for two years.

 

Despite everything, Martin still answered. He answered all the subsequent space-filling questions Yeujin asked about how he was doing and what he was up to. He answered them with no emotion, as if he were simply running through the motions. He answered them effortlessly, like simple CS-ing.

 

_He’s not even here to give you a reason. What are you doing?_

_Catching up, we haven’t talked in a while._

_Just hang up, he’s not going to give you what you want._

_You don’t know that._

_Please. If he was going to tell you, he’d have already said it._

 

_You just have to give him time._

_Time? Has he not had enough?_

_It’s not the same…_

_Just ask him. See what he says. Trust me, he won’t have a reason._

 

The side of him that still had just the slightest bit of hope refused to let his cynicism take over. So, he asked. It dared him, so he stepped up to the challenge.

 

He asked Yeujin the question he’d wanted the answer to the moment he realized the Korean boy wasn’t coming home.

 

“Why?”

 

“Huh? Why what?”

 

Martin sighed. He knew the question was implied, and he knew that Yeujin knew. So, why was he acting like he didn’t?

 

“You know what I’m talking about.”

 

Silence.

 

The only sound that filled the room was his quiet breathing and the muffled morning song of the Berlin birds out in the neighborhood.

 

Martin had sat up to make himself comfortable a long while ago. The sun had now risen and a patch of sunlight that peeked in through his slanted window warmed a corner of his bed. He closed his eyes to recall a soft memory.

 

_Back in the summer of 2015, Martin had woken up to the warmth of sunlight peeking through the vertical blinds on the tall windows. It hadn’t been his room he had woken up in. It had been Yeujin’s. The room with the nice city view. Luckily, there hadn’t been enough sunlight bearing down on his skin to make it uncomfortably hot. On the other hand, the warmth of the thin body curled up in his arms seeped through their t-shirts and comfortably into his body._

_Martin was still half-asleep when he had buried his face into the silky, reddish-brown locks of the older boy sleeping in his arms. Except, Yeujin hadn’t really been sleeping. A soft giggle, caught his hazy attention after a moment of just inhaling the scent of the Korean boy._

_“What… are you doing?”_

_That sweet, little accent of his sent Martin’s heart into a faster rhythm. He loved it, just as he loved Yeujin’s caring, dark eyes that always held onto his and pulled him back from whatever storm he was stuck in. Like a lighthouse shining in a hostile thunderstorm, patiently leading him back to safety._

_“Uh… nothing?”_

_Yeujin laughed his bright, sing-song laugh that told Martin everything was alright. He shifted just a little bit, gently forcing Martin to loosen his arms so that he could pull back just enough to look the Swedish boy in his ash-blue eyes. Although his mouth didn’t move, the young Swede could see the smile in his eyes, and the comfort he expressed. Yeujin brought a hand up between them, weaving his lithe fingers through Martin’s unkempt, golden hair._

_It was as if Yeujin had caught the lingering sadness from the night before with just a moment’s glance into his eyes._

_“Take your time, no one is rushing you to feel better.”_

_The older, Korean boy craned his neck a little so that he could reach his face. With his thin lips, he planted a feathery kiss on the corner of Martin’s lips before he leaned their foreheads together. “I care about you, you matter, so just take your time no matter what anyone says.”_

_Martin closed his eyes, the gentleness of Yeujin’s fingers playing with his hair nearly lulling him back to sleep._

_Just last night, he had gotten into a fight with his sister over the phone. He hadn’t fought with Emma in years, but he couldn’t really blame her. After all, he had left Sweden and was completely unavailable to visit their ailing grandmother back home with his busy schedules and rare vacations. Skyping really wasn’t the same as physically going to visit her, yet he was an entire country away and couldn’t afford to leave the team and fly home for even a few days in the week to spend with his family. Especially not when Fnatic was nearing the end of the season, still undefeated. There was so much pressure, and he simply couldn’t afford to take a break from practice. Even if it would be for family._

_At least that was what he had told himself._

_The night before, Emma had scolded – or screamed, rather – at him over the phone in angry Swedish until he could hear her sobbing through his cell. And there were no words he could’ve used to defend himself. Everything she had vented out on him had just been true facts. He was far from home – from family – despite his young age, he didn’t visit often, he didn’t even call to check in. While their grandmother’s health got worse and she became bedridden, he couldn’t even give hugs or kisses for her comfort._

_Martin was completely in the wrong and he couldn’t do anything about it. He felt so useless. So extremely useless._

_He hadn’t been thinking when he knocked on the door on the other side of the gaming house at 2AM. Furthermore, he hadn’t expected it to open when he realized what he had done. Yet, Yeujin had opened the door and let him in, all whilst rubbing his almond-shaped eyes._

_Curled up in his thin sheets, Yeujin had held a miserable Martin as he tried to express all his scrambled thoughts and emotions. The bed was big enough for one to sleep comfortably, but a little too small for two males over twenty – even if they were both rather thin and small in stature. Even though, Yeujin made it work for Martin, and he felt more comfortable than if he had been sleeping alone in his own bed._

_“You’re not crazy or weak,” Yeujin had said when he had said something about being too weak to stay at home and do the best he could’ve with his knee injury and his studies back home. Martin had kept mumbling about how he wasn’t strong enough. He had thought he had grown stronger in his time with Fnatic, but it wasn’t enough._

_“You’re doing the best you can, and that’s fine. It’s enough,” he’d said._

_“It doesn’t seem like it, but what you’re feeling…it won’t last forever. I know,” he’d said._

_“When this is all over, I’ll still be here and so will you.”_

 

But he wasn’t here anymore. Yeujin was gone. Thousands of miles away.

 

“They…they wouldn’t let me,” Yeujin’s weak excuse snapped him back from the comforting memory, plunging him into the freezing, dark water that was the present reality. “I couldn’t.”

 

“Couldn’t or wouldn’t?” Martin clenched his free hand around a handful of his bedsheets. He didn’t even want to hear the answer to that question. Why did he ask it?

 

“I…” a deep pause showed Martin how Yeujin hesitated to think. Was he thinking on the real answer, or what he thought Martin wanted to hear? Part of him hoped it was the latter, even if it wasn’t the truth. “I couldn’t,” he reaffirmed his words, although his voice shook just a little.

 

“Will you…will you come back?” Martin’s voice was much gentler this time, as if trying to urge the boy to come back. To come _home_. Nothing was the same as before. Even if he wouldn’t be able to get 2015 back, having Yeujin would be the next best thing. At least he hoped.

 

“I don’t… I don’t know. I don’t know if I can, even if I want to. Fnatic wouldn’t want me anymore. It’s not like I can just ask them if I can come back to the team. It’s all different now, Martin. I –”

 

“Yeujin,” he stopped the boy from continuing further with whatever he had planned to say. Martin briefly relished in the comfort he felt from hearing his name come out of Yeujin’s mouth, before it sent a twinge of hurt piercing his heart as he thought how he might not be able to say it to his face ever again. “I want you to come back. I _need_ you to come back. Come back to Fnatic,” he paused. That didn’t seem like the right words. With a sigh, he continued after his short pause, “come back to _me_.”

 

A last-ditch effort, full of hope, to get Yeujin back.

 

All he received was silence, again.

 

This silence wasn’t the same as the one that followed Yeujin’s denial of understanding Martin’s question. The Swede imagined it as a piercing silence that shoved Yeujin into solemn remorse for leaving him. He imagined the silence as a convincing force, a thought that was doing its best to persuade Yeujin that Germany was the place for him. That Fnatic was the home for him, just as it was the home for Martin.

 

But the longer it hung in the air, the harder his heart pounded in his chest in suspense. Another minute later, he came to realize that he’d misinterpreted the silence. Martin pulled his knees up until he was curled up in a sitting position with his back against the wall at the head of his bed. The familiar feeling of loss and defeat clawed at the inside of his chest, like a monster attempting to crawl its way out of his body.

 

_See, the only one you’re hurting is yourself._

 

_It’s just because I wasn’t enough._

_What the fuck do you mean you weren’t enough? He just couldn’t be satisfied._

_I wouldn’t have been able to give him what he wants. Not with that distance. I would’ve only held him back, weighed him down._

_It was his decision to move away. There’s nothing you could’ve done. He didn’t want you, he threw you away. Why do you even still care about him?_

“Martin, I…” Yeujin broke the silence with a certain hesitation in his voice that only encouraged the voice in the back of his mind. “I… I’m sorry.”

 

Martin scoffed with a disbelieving roll of his eyes.

 

For what? What could Yeujin possibly be sorry for? For leaving without goodbye? For breaking their promise? For ignoring his calls for the past two years?

 

Did he even mean it?

 

“Forget it,” Martin let out an exasperated sigh. The words were filled with more contempt than he had intended and suddenly he regretted saying them, but it was too late.

 

However, the other side of himself, the voice that constantly reminded him that he meant nothing special to Yeujin, felt a twisted sense of accomplishment. If he had meant anything at all to the other boy, the anger and hatefulness in his voice would be bitter enough for Yeujin to feel guilty. He deserved it…or so that side of himself vindictively believed.

 

The rest of him, only felt regret at his scornful tone. Yet the longer he sat there, in a call that seemed to accomplish nothing good, the more his cynical, biting side won him over. That voice spoke nothing but truth to him. More truth than Yeujin and his weak excuses.

 

“No, Martin. I’m not going to – I won’t – _forget it_. I did something… I… I was wrong.” If it hadn’t been for the hiccup in the middle of his words, the mere idea that Yeujin actually thought he was wrong would never have crossed his mind.

 

_Yeah, you were. Glad to know that you know it._

 

A pause. A moment’s silence that spoke to how flustered the other boy was. Martin could tell he didn’t have an answer. His hope faded. The side of himself he’d clung to so stubbornly had lost. The resentful voice had won and it was prepared to tell Yeujin to fuck off.

 

“I… What can I–”

 

“There’s nothing you can do now,” Martin bit down harshly on his lip. The pain that stung was enough to keep him from simply falling apart and crying. It was enough to keep himself from screaming everything into the phone at Yeujin. He didn’t want to snap, he _wouldn’t_ snap. “It’s been two years, Yeujin. And you’re on the other side of the world. What could you really do now?”

 

There was another short pause of silence. Martin could picture the Korean boy as he contemplated on how to answer. In his mind’s eye, he saw Yeujin sitting on a windowsill that overlooked a peaceful suburban area in LA with that soft gaze in his eyes that always made him look like he was far away, deep in his thoughts. Perhaps even a beer in his hand, because Yeujin wouldn’t call if he were completely sober. He hadn’t for two years.

 

“I… Martin, I… just want to help you. I know you’re strong, and I’ll do anything. We’ll make it work.”

 

 _Strong_. Strong was such a subjective word, but no matter how anyone defined it, strong wasn’t him. Strong just wasn’t Martin. He had only been “strong” because he had Yeujin to lean on back then. Yeujin was so important to his life, to keeping him “together.” Didn’t he _fucking_ know that?

 

“Just _please_ ,” Yeujin begged in a whisper. His voice had risen in volume from earlier, but it sounded like he had made a conscious effort to lower it, so much to the point he could barely hear the whisper through the phone.

 

“Please what?” Martin bit back, he rubbed his eyes as frustration and resentment started to take over. “I don’t know how you thought I was, but I’m not strong. Not at all. I’m not that strong, ‘together’ Martin you knew back then.” _It’s not that I’ve changed_ , he thought to himself. _You just never truly noticed…_

 

_So much hate, Martin. You don’t mean that…_

_Yes, you do. You couldn’t possibly know what you really mean._

He took a deep breath. Not to keep himself from falling apart this time. No, he took a deep breath to keep himself from lashing out even more at Yeujin. Even if the voice filled with hate wanted to tell Yeujin to fuck off and never talk to him again, the tiniest shred of hope – hope that Yeujin still cared, still _loved_ him – didn’t want Martin to regret his words after. It was trying to tell the Korean boy as gently as within reason that nothing would ever be the same. That this was his punishment for tossing Martin aside. That even if he realized how much he’s lost now, Martin wouldn’t take him back. Because how mentally healthy would it be for him to take back someone who shattered his heart and came back only now to gather the pieces?

 

“I’m not the same. You’re not the same. Nothing can go back to how it was, Yeujin,” Martin felt like he was going to cry, but he harshly bit down on his lips again, to keep his composure.

 

“Yes, it can. We can fix it, fix this,” he could hear Yeujin’s voice shake, but the anger bubbling beneath his chest kept him from sympathizing. What right did Yeujin have to say that it could be fixed? He was the one who threw what they had away. He was the one who abandoned him. And for what? For success in NA? What could success bring Yeujin, that he could not?

 

“I can fix this, and you can help me.”

 

“You can’t fix something that’s been shattered to pieces,” Martin snapped back. He heard the pain, the plea, in Yeujin’s broken voice but he chose to ignore it. It only made his blood boil. What right did he have to be so broken?

 

Suddenly, he felt an overwhelming urge to simply hang up. Even though that now tiny part of him still clung onto hope, clung onto him whilst begging him to reconsider, to just wait a little bit and patiently talk it out with Yeujin. Even though he had waited so long to talk to him, none of it felt worth it now. He didn’t know if he would ever get to talk to him again after this, but he couldn’t find it within himself to care anymore.

 

It didn’t matter. None of it mattered. _Nothing meant anything_.

 

“Please, Martin. I just want to help. I’ll do anything. I’ll fly over to see you. I’ll come back to EU.”

 

_Yeah right. You wouldn’t. You didn’t even want to be here in EU._

 

“Save your breath, Yeujin. You can’t ‘ _help_ ,’ and nothing you do will ever mean anything anymore. You threw me away. You left, and never turned back. You cut me off for two years. _Two years_. There’s nothing you can do, nothing left for you to fix.”

 

“I’ll do anything. Really, Martin, believe me!”

 

“Anything?”

 

“Anything.”

 

Martin held his breath. Anything was a lot of things, but he couldn’t think of a single thing Yeujin could possibly do to prove it to him. To prove that he really loved him. Even if just a little bit.

 

Even if he came back to Germany, nothing would be the same. There would be no Seunghoon, no Fabian, no Bora, no Luis, no Oliver, no no one. Nothing would ever be the same, and no amount of Yeujin could fix it for him. No amount of Yeujin could put things back to how they were – make everything normal.

 

“Then stay away.”

 

He tossed his phone to the other side of the bed. Martin was done. He couldn’t take another second of hearing Yeujin’s broken voice. His voice was filled with so much pain, almost as if Martin had been the one to do all the hurting, all the _throwing away_.

 

But it wasn’t Martin’s fault. Yeujin had no right to sound like that. He couldn’t take it. He _wouldn’t_ take it. He wasn’t guilty of anything, so why should he be the one to feel remorse? He hadn’t left Yeujin behind. It wasn’t _his_ fault that their love was lost.

 

The sun was now high up in the air. Morning had come a while ago, but Martin was still stuck in the darkness. Even with all the spring sunlight trying to warm him up, he felt cold – _freezing_ even.

 

A soft knock sounded on his door.

 

“Martin,” the voice was gentle, as if trying to coax him awake. Finlay knocked again, a little more firm, but still soft. He was no “IzPah,” but “Quaye” did a good job as team manager. Martin could always count on Finlay to bring some sense of normalcy to every part of his day. “Come eat breakfast before scrims, okay?”

 

Martin didn’t dare to answer, he didn’t trust his voice to be unwavering – to give off the impression that everything was alright. He waited until he heard Finaly leave before he moved again.

 

As he moved to get up, he placed his feet on the cold wooden floors, sending shivers up his spine. Martin sat there for another few moments, just simply breathing. When he raised a hand to rub at his tired eyes, he stopped with his fingers hovering right over them. He recalled a time where he stopped Yeujin from rubbing his eyes out of habit. In the bedroom that once belonged to Yeujin, the one with wide windows and a nice view of Berlin. In the bedroom he once lived in, although small, it had still been comfy and a space where they shared many memories. In their shared hotel room in Paris, in London, in Brussels.

 

He could picture it so vividly.

 

Yeujin, lying there right in front of him, knuckles poised to rub at his dark-colored eyes.

 

Martin would reach out a hand, gently wrapping his lithe fingers around his Jungler’s thin wrists. “ _That’s bad for your eyes_ ,” he would say to him.

 

To which Yeujin would laugh and retort with something along the lines of, “ _why’re you such a mother?_ ” despite being the older one.

 

They would laugh together, smile, maybe even roll around in the small bed they’d slept in together. Comfortably large enough for one, but much too small for two young males just barely over twenty.

 

Not much longer after the first time, Yeujin would reach for his eyes again. Martin would try to stop him before his hands got there, or he would then proceed to wrestle his hands away from his eyes.

 

“ _Stop. It’s bad for your eyes_ ,” Martin would tell him again.

 

Wanting to erase the image from his mind, Martin angrily rubbed his eyes. He wanted to forget this image. An image of what had been – or _could_ be. So, what _if_ he knew rubbing his eyes were bad for him? What _if_ he used to scold Yeujin about it? How much harm would it do to him anyway if he just rubbed his eyes a little?

 

As his hands slowed, he could feel a wetness on his fingertips. Pulling them away, he brushed the pads of his fingers along his face. His cheeks were wet.

 

He felt a sense of unreasonable anger. Not at Yeujin, for calling and throwing his entire mentality for a loop, but at himself.

 

Why couldn’t he convince them all to stay? Why hadn’t he tried harder? Why had he held himself back, chained himself down to someone who didn’t even look at him, who didn’t even truly _care_ about him? Why had he weighed himself down with such a difficult love, such a painful love?

 

If he had just let go – if he had just given up earlier – he wouldn’t feel like it was his fault. He wasn’t in the wrong, so how could Yeujin cry like that? How could Yeujin speak as though he were accusing Martin of not trying hard enough for them? Not fighting hard enough for a love that was lost to distance and time.

 

So why was he crying?

 

Was it anger?

 

Was it regret?

 

Was it sadness?

 

Perhaps it was a mix of all three.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So… Caps’ little prank didn’t really bring the resolution Rekkles needed…uhm…. well...
> 
> Sorry again for taking forever to bring this to you guys. Finals, procrastination and the like were all a pain, but I hope the length makes up for it ^~^
> 
> Aeonwing coming in clutch with beta-ing this extremely long chapter. 
> 
> Any and all comments or criticism are always welcome


	6. Questions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hyukkyu's a little scared, but for Kyungho he's willing to go through it all. No matter anything. He owed him that much.

March 16, 2017

 

Hyukkyu pursed his lips as he stared at the grayscale screen on his monitor. SoloQ just wasn’t treating him well today. Normally he wouldn’t mind it, but something was different about today.

 

Perhaps it was their 1-2 defeat against Samsung Galaxy tonight. Maybe it was the fact that he’d eaten a little too much fried chicken for dinner.

 

Only two of his teammates had stayed at the gaming house for the rest of the night. Wonseok had gone home for the weekend – something about a cousin’s birthday and whatnot – since they didn’t have any matches left for the rest of the week. Kyungho, on the other hand, had gone out with his old teammates for the night like he often did.

 

Reaching his arms above his head, Hyukkyu let out a long yawn. He dropped his hands onto the top of his head as he continued to stare at his screen. Although _he_ wasn’t having such a great game, the rest of his team was doing just fine. They were already at the enemy’s Nexus Turrets, and the other team had just been aced. This game was over, but Hyukkyu didn’t feel the least bit victorious. He didn’t even feel any sense of relief. All he could think about was how he could’ve easily avoided all his little, stupid mistakes.

 

Despite the victory emblem materializing on his screen, Hyukkyu felt like he’d just suffered a defeat.

 

He contemplated on whether to play another or log off and take a shower. His eyes darted to the bottom corner of his desktop screen.

 

_1:37 AM_

 

Shower it was. He was probably so exhausted that it might be counterintuitive to play another game anyway.

 

As he shuffled past the bathroom, much to his disappointment, Hyukkyu could hear the shower running through the thin walls. It must’ve been Sehyeong since he’d also been grinding SoloQ that evening. So much for a relieving shower. His Support preferred hour-long showers and he had no idea when he’d started. Maybe it was better to shower in the morning anyway.

 

By the time he crawled into bed it was nearly 2 AM.

 

Kyungho should be home soon. Rather, he was supposed to be home around two hours ago. But, Kyungho could take care of himself without Hyukkyu mothering him about the smallest details.

 

He was his lover, not his mother.

 

He closed his eyes. _Just to rest a little bit_ , he thought since he’d promised himself he’d stay up until Kyungho came home. The soft hum of the air conditioning unit and the soothing beat of the shower through the walls lulled him to sleep. The thought was so tempting and there wasn’t really anything stopping him from going to sleep other than himself.

 

While in a state between sleeping and waking, the young AD Carry woke up to someone snuggling against his back.

 

It must’ve been Kyungho.

 

A smile made itself at home on his lips when strong arms wrapped around his waist and pulled him as close as humanely possible. This was the light kind of touch he loved and longed for every moment of every day. Before Kyungho, he’d learned not to take any of his teammates’ snuggling and light touches too seriously. Before Kyungho, it had all been fanservice and fulfilling the desires of his teammates who never had time for girlfriends or “ _real_ ” relationships. Before Kyungho, Hyukkyu had been lost in the realm of romantic relationships.

 

Well, perhaps he was still a little lost, but at least he now had Kyungho’s smiles and laughter to guide him through it.

 

“You’re late,” Hyukkyu did his best to level his voice, trying to sound disappointed at the older male for coming home at such an obscure hour. Why he wanted to sound upset, he really wasn’t sure. Perhaps it was the satisfaction he got from teasing Kyungho who innocently took everything to heart.

 

The taller of the two only snuggled closer, before craning his neck up to rest his chin on Hyukkyu’s shoulder.

 

“I’m sorry. Don’t be mad, please?” The Top laner spoke in a hushed tone, his breath caressing the shell of the AD Carry’s ear, sending shivers down his spine. “It’s just that… after dinner Wangho and Beomhyeon wanted to grab coffee and desserts. Then we went and just stayed around the park, talking and sitting on the swings. And I didn’t look at any of my messages because Seohaeng kept teasing me for always checking in with you all the time and–”

 

For how much Kyungho teased him on camera, he seemed totally different off of it. He was just a sweet, cuddly teddy bear that always cared about how his loved ones felt.

 

As Kyungho rambled on, Hyukkyu turned around in his arms. He’d wanted to keep quiet and let his boyfriend feel guilty for making him stay up and wait for him – even though he hadn’t even asked him to – but with that voice and with him snuggled up beside him, Hyukkyu couldn’t keep up the weak act for long.

 

The desperation in his voice made Hyukkyu smile, it showed that Kyungho cared. That what Hyukkyu thought mattered to him. That _Hyukkyu_ mattered to him more than his AD Carry, “Deft,” did.

 

And before Kyungho, he hadn’t _mattered_ to anyone.

 

To everyone else, he was simply “Deft.” The team’s carry, the one to protect, the quiet AD that did his job and did it well.

 

He cut him off in one smooth motion: hand against the back of Kyungho’s neck and a gentle kiss on his moving lips. He felt a large, warm hand reach up to hold his face while the other pressed him closer from his lower back. He could sense all of Kyungho in the simple, press of lips against lips. His exhaustion, his apology, his love.

 

He could feel everything, yet he still wanted more.

 

His fingers played with the strands of hair on the back of the other boy’s head, threading through midnight black locks as the kiss deepened. He felt Kyungho shifting until he was hovering above him, elbows on both sides. He didn’t need to open his eyes to see where this was going. The hand playing with the hem of his t-shirt, the lips moving feverously against his, the heat of the older male hovering over him.

 

Hyukkyu slipped an arm around Kyungho’s upper back. His fingers tried to grab onto the clothes on the older boy’s back, needing something to hold on to so as not to drown in the greatest pleasure of his life: the one who cared.

 

Kyungho was still wearing the jean jacket he had worn out to his ROX Tigers gettogether and suddenly it seemed a lot more like a hindrance than a necessity that kept him warm in the chilly Korean spring.

 

“Off...” he mumbled, their lips brushed against each other when he spoke. He wasn’t even sure Kyungho had heard him until he tugged at the open jacket with his hands. “Kyung…”

 

His eyes were closed, yet he heard the amused chuckle, loud and clear. He felt those soft lips plant a gentle, chaste kiss to the corner of his lips before Kyungho pulled back. Yet, just as quickly as he was gone, he felt those soft lips press against his own again. He couldn’t see it, but he could feel Kyungho shrugging off his jacket from the sloppiness of the kiss. The taller boy pulled back a second time and Hyukkyu had to hold back a soft whine in the back of his throat when his warmth faded. He let his eyes flutter open, taking a moment to adjust to the darkness to see the shadow of his boyfriend slipping off the white turtleneck he had been wearing.

 

Hyukkyu _liked_ where things were going…

 

After slipping off his own t-shirt, he wrapped his arms around the back of Kyungho’s neck, pulling him back down and pressing their lips together rather hungrily. He needed this. With all the bad games, with all the upsets, with all the misplays. He needed the warmth – the touches. He needed _Kyungho_.

 

He could feel the chilled fingers dancing on his bare skin, a comfortable contrast to the trail of heat left by Kyungho’s kisses over his neck.

 

But one moment it was there and the next it was gone.

 

It took Hyukkyu a moment through the haziness of lust to realize Kyungho had pulled away almost completely. The older boy had sat up beside Hyukkyu’s hip, with one arm propping him up on the other side of the younger’s body. He could just barely make out Kyungho’s silhouette running a hand through his tousled hair. From across the room, the blue light of a phone glowed on a small table by the wall.

              

To say he was disappointed would be an understatement, but he knew why Kyungho had suddenly pulled away, just as he had many other times. This wasn’t the first time, nor did Hyukkyu believe it to be the last. That wasn’t to say they _never_ got past the heated kissing, but lately, Kyungho would drop everything he was doing late at night if his phone so much as vibrated with a notification.

 

It hadn’t always been this extreme. The first week or so after Kyungho reluctantly gave in to giving Yeujin some time to think it over, he had seemed alright. A little down, but still hopeful with a sweet smile on his lips. But, as time passed, the Top laner started to fidget more. Eventually, it got to the point where he reacted to every little notification from his cellphone.

 

Except this time, it wasn’t Kyungho’s phone that rang with a text message. It was Hyukkyu’s. No wonder Kyungho seemed so frustrated when he pulled back. His anxiety had reached a new level.

 

All this waiting was starting to make Kyungho more and more jumpy. Even though it had been Hyukkyu’s idea to give the boy across the ocean some time and space, seeing Kyungho so anxious all the time was hard to watch. Especially when there was nothing Hyukkyu could do or say to ease his nerves.

 

“Kyung?” Hyukkyu reached out with a hand, but stopped midway, unsure whether it would’ve been a good idea or not to lay a hand on Kyungho’s heavy shoulders. He’s never been the one to comfort anyone and he’s never really received much either. He didn’t know anything other than simply braving through hard times and acting as if nothing were wrong. So how was he supposed to comfort his Top laner? A hand on his shoulder? A tight hug? Perhaps a kiss on the forehead? Or was that something guys only did to girls…?

 

_Why is love so hard…?_

 

“Sorry… I’m sorry, I just…”

 

Hyukkyu made up his mind. He decided that the other boy needed his presence, no matter how bad he believed his comforting skills were. So, he sat up, lifting his arms up so that he could wrap them around Kyungho’s shoulders. The older boy let himself be pulled into a soft embrace, resting his heavy head onto his lover’s shoulder. The younger Korean gently ran his lithe fingers through the other’s hair in an attempt to comfort. To soothe the pain that came from a long-distance relationship.

 

Or rather, from half of a long-distance relationship.

 

He had never been in one himself, but Hyukkyu’s long-distance _friendship_ with Martin was enough for him to empathize with how Kyungho felt about Yeujin. Even then, it wasn’t the same since Kyungho still had Hyukkyu by his side.

 

Sure, he didn’t know Yeujin very well – or even, at all personally. All he knew were the achievements he’d heard about: semi-finals at Worlds and an almost perfect season with Fnatic, an impressive run on Immortals, Spring 2016 MVP of the split, voted into All-Stars for NA only having been in the scene for one season.

 

Hyukkyu didn’t know much past the things he’d heard in the community and the fact that Kyungho had been his best friend since the beginning of both of their eSports careers.

 

He remembered how happy, how excited, Kyungho had been when he talked about Yeujin. He also remembered how heartbroken the older boy had been when he told Hyukkyu he couldn’t pick between the two of them because he loved them both just as much.

 

Maybe he just didn’t want to let go of Yeujin, but still wanted Hyukkyu.

 

That was selfish, wasn’t it?

 

But it didn’t matter to Hyukkyu. If all he needed to do to keep sweet, loving Kyungho by his side was to get to know Yeujin and let him have his moments with the Top laner, then so be it. It would be a small price to pay for so much love.

 

When Hyukkyu first found out that Kyungho had been dating someone, he’d been heartbroken. He’d pulled away from his teammate much too quickly. He flinched at every touch, sat as far away as possible whenever the team went out, and even avoided him _inside_ the gaming house – which was difficult enough in itself to do. It wasn’t until Kyungho slipped into his room late one night that Hyukkyu realized that his _feelings_ weren’t one-sided. That despite already being in a relationship, Kyungho still wanted to love him too.

 

For all the things he’s promised himself not to be growing up, someone’s _love affair_ was one of the highest. Yet, Kyungho didn’t need to do much convincing.

 

“It’s ok.”

 

It wasn’t really. In fact, it tore Hyukkyu apart deep down, knowing that Kyungho wasn’t all here for him. That all he had right now was a half-broken heart. Then again, he’d brought it on himself for agreeing to follow Kyungho’s idea that fully loving more than one person at the same time was possible.

 

Wasn’t he just helping Kyungho cheat on his boyfriend who currently lived on an entirely different continent?

  
According to Kyungho, he wasn’t, but some days, Hyukkyu couldn’t help but feel as though that were true. He couldn’t see how this would end happy for Kyungho, Yeujin, or him.

 

Could he _really_ learn to love Yeujin like he loved Kyungho? Could _Yeujin_ love him like he loved Kyungho? Was it even _possible_ to put aside the idea that Kyungho loved them both and simply love him on their own terms regardless of each other? Was it even worth all this pain Kyungho was forcing himself through to get the relationship he believed he wanted most?

 

Valid questions with no clear answers… but for Kyungho, he could leave them all unanswered. He owed him that much for showing him that he mattered.

 

That he was more than just “ _Deft_.”

 

That being _Hyukkyu_ doesn’t ruin things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhmmm.... hi? I hope there are still those of you out there who enjoy this ;;~;; I apologize for disappearing for a little over two months. Ran into a lot of inspiration for other things and then just simply got frustrated and fearful of not being able to keep this story at it's best. 
> 
> While updates will be slow, I plan on seeing this story through to the end so I'll still be around. ~~(next chapter will be much longer than this, Kyungho's got lots on his mind)~~ ^~^
> 
> Thank you all for being patient with me and a special thanks to the ever-loyal, greatest beta (and amazing writer) I always rely on, Aeonwing!! <3 Tu es le meilleur~


	7. Three Sides to One Story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Distance and time is hard. Especially for Kyungho.

_April 2017_

 

“ _Yah, hyeong_! Give it back!!”

 

The youngest of the old ROX Tigers crew whined when Kyungho snatched his phone from his hands and held it far up above the smaller boy’s head.

 

It had been a while since the ROX Tigers of 2016 had taken a picture together, so Beomhyeon had asked for a group photo. As they stood together, ready for the camera, Kyungho noticed Wangho busily tapping away at his phone. He glanced down at his side to see that cute puppy smile of his, while focusing solely on the message on his phone. The child in himself effortlessly plucked the device from the boy’s hands and held it high above his head. With the apparent height differences, this was a simple feat.

 

Kyungho’s actions made the rest of his old team burst into raucous laughter.

 

_Just like the good old days…_

 

“Who’s so much more important than our family picture? Hmm, _little brother_?”

 

“ _Hyeong_!” Wangho continued to whine, only loosening his grip on the older boy’s t-shirt for a moment when Beomhyeon dropped a good amount of his weight on his thin shoulders.

 

“Don’t tell me you got a girlfriend,” Beomhyeon teased as he tightly wrapped his arms around the youngest’s shoulders. Seohaeng gave Wangho a smirk and a wiggle of his dark eyebrows. Kyungho let his arm relax a little, knowing the young Jungler was now too occupied with his former Support to notice that his phone would be in reach.

 

There was a pause of silence while the old teammates all watched Wangho with eager smiles and anticipation in their eyes. When the aggressive Jungler’s face flushed a deep red and buried his heated cheeks in Kyungho’s jacket, cheers and whistles filled the atmosphere.

 

“Whaaaaaaaat?!”

 

“You should’ve introduced her to the family!”

 

“I’m sure she couldn’t be cuter than our Wangho!”

 

“Our baby’s all grown up!”

 

“What the hell, shut up!” Wangho shoved at his old Top laner’s chest with an embarrassed chuckle at the last remark. His nose crinkled as he shrugged off Beomhyeon’s arms and tried to reach for his phone, but Kyungho quickly raised his arm again with renewed strength.

 

Kyungho hadn’t had enough yet. He rolled his eyes, wanting to have a little more fun. He tilted the screen down just a little bit to take a peek at the contact, “let’s see who the lucky girl is~”

 

When he caught Wangho’s dark-brown eyes widen, he thought it was simply just out of embarrassment. But one glance at the name and he realized it wasn’t embarrassment he saw.

 

It was fear.

 

“S…”

 

“ _Hyeong_ , please,” the boy’s voice was weak and desperate, barely above a whisper. Everyone else was too ecstatic about their youngest having a significant other that they hadn’t noticed the fear in his eyes and the desperation that made his voice shake. No one else caught it. No one, but Kyungho.

 

“…Sunhi!”

 

“Pretty~”

 

“Beautiful name for a beautiful girl, I’m sure!”

 

“How long were you gonna keep her a secret?”

 

Jongin wiped a nonexistent tear from his eye. “Oh my god, our little Wangho is all grown up!”

 

Kyungho’s smile faded just a little and Wangho nearly breathed out a sigh of relief. Thankfully, no one had noticed their exchange. Everyone was so drowned in their excitement that no one had caught the thin layer of tears in their old Jungler’s eyes before he started rubbing his eyes.

 

Kyungho noticed, though.

 

He noticed, because he remembered being in the younger’s exact same place when he was his age. Except, it was at a party with a bunch of tipsy high school friends who were laughing with him at one moment and tossing him judgmental looks of scorn and disgust the next. The boy he’d once called his best friend exposed him to the entire party and he hadn’t even done anything wrong.

 

All he’d done was love the one he wished to love and proudly set a cute photo of him kissing said loved one on the cheek as his background.

 

Even though the team had showed nothing but their unconditional love and support for Kyungho when he accidentally let it slip that he liked Yeujin more than as just a friend, he understood why Wangho was so afraid. Why he _wanted_ to keep it a secret.

 

The young Jungler would tell them all when he was ready. He knew for an unspoken fact.

 

Kyungho wasn’t going to ruin it for him like it had been for himself. Letting people find out and telling people himself were two entirely different things. It could either be one of the best moments of his life or the most humiliating if it went the wrong way. He loved Wangho like a little brother and he would do anything to protect him and keep that happy smile on his face. Even if it meant keeping a secret from the rest of their family.

 

~*~

 

The dinner was nearing its end when Kyungho decided to step out for some fresh air. He’d left his jacket on his chair, stepping outside in only his thin t-shirt. The nighttime chill of spring felt rather comforting on his warm skin, a nice contrast from the heat inside the restaurant.

 

Wangho had stopped glancing at his phone every few minutes once the crew calmed down from the initial outburst of excitement of their youngest being in a relationship. He was too afraid of any of the other boys reading over his shoulder to comfortably text as he had been earlier. Yet, halfway through their meal, the young Jungler found the courage in himself to text “Sunhi” back.

 

_Sweet, young, and, most definitely, so in love._

 

Just thinking of those words made Kyungho feel like an old man even though he was only a few years older.

 

As Wangho started checking his text messages, Kyungho started doing the same. He’d been alright for most of the day, but it was like trying to quit smoking only to succumb to that one cigarette.

 

Once he started checking again, he couldn’t stop.

 

He needed something from _him_. It didn’t need to be an answer to the question he asked so long ago. A hello, a complaint, anything. He just wanted something. 

 

He scrolled through their past messages, through the group chats they were in, everything.

 

Even though Hyukkyu had encouraged him to go and have fun – forget about it for now – and just be happy with his friends, he was now back to anxiously waiting for that message.

 

That message that would tell him that everything’s okay. That message that would do more than simply reassure him. That message that he’d been waiting to get for nearly three months now.

 

_“Give him some time and space, he’ll come around. I know so, because he loves you. And from what you’ve told me, he’s loved you for a long time.”_

 

That’s what Hyukkyu had said, but Kyungho grew less sure of that as a fact as the days simply passed him by.

 

No matter how much fun he had – how much he laughed or enjoyed himself with the old ROX Tigers gang – there were always those same lingering thoughts on loop in the back of his mind.

 

_When is he going to call back? Will he ever call? How is he doing? Does he even miss me?_

 

Nearly three months and still no word from Yeujin. He hadn’t been getting anything helpful from Kayli either.

 

There was a certain tension between him and Kayli that made the tone of her text messages sound quite hostile. Yet she still answered his texts and could keep up a casual conversation. No doubt she kept things from him about the Jungler regardless.

 

Keeping up with Team Liquid and their standings didn’t help Kyungho and his patience. When he heard that Yeujin and his team fell into relegations at the end of the split, it had been hard not to try and get on the next plane to LA. Screw visas and costs, he couldn’t have cared less.

 

But as much as he wanted to do that, he didn’t live in a drama. He sure as hell was no Kim Tan. Lee Minho made it seem so easy.

 

Life didn’t give a damn what he wanted to do. Jihun caught him trying to catch a ride out to Incheon and scolded him for being so childish. For wanting to do something so impossible when he still had the rest of the LCK split to play. Kyungho really couldn’t blame his head coach though. Both of their jobs would be on the line.

 

Still, it tore him up inside watching Yeujin from afar. No messages, no calls. Watching him through Liquid videos, post-game interviews and whatnot was simply too distancing to satisfy.

 

Sure, Yeujin was all smiles in front of the camera, but when hadn’t he been? He was good at hiding things from people. Kyungho liked to believe that he was one of the few people that Yeujin couldn’t get past, but now he felt unsure.

 

“ _Hyeong_ …?” a quiet voice called out to him, pulling him away from his thoughts.

 

Kyungho rubbed at his eyes as he turned around to face the young blond who had followed him out of the restaurant. “Hey,” his voice was barely above a hoarse whisper.

 

Wangho stood at his side in silence for a minute before he spoke again. “Thank you…”

 

The Top laner turned to the boy with a raise of his eyebrows, wondering what this was about exactly. “For...?”

 

Wangho nibbled on his bottom lip out of nervous habit. “You know, earlier…”

 

His expression softened as he realized what Wangho was talking about. He threw an arm around the boy’s thin shoulders, running that hand through his golden locks with a chuckle.

 

“Kim Sungu, huh?”

 

The Jungler flushed a deep red, biting his lip again with his eyes deeply interested in his old sneakers.

 

“Who would’ve thought, huh? Passive Jungler with your aggressiveness? One of the World Champions last year? Is he good boyfriend material?” Kyungho gently knocked the side of his head to the younger boy’s. He pulled back, glancing left and right as if to check that no one would be close enough to hear before he leaned in even closer. His lips brushed against the shell of Wangho’s ear as he whispered, a smirk dancing on his lips as he did his best to hold back a laugh. “I’m assuming he can’t be that passive… behind _closed doors_.”

 

“ _Yah! Hyeong!_ ”

 

Kyungho couldn’t help his laughter when the boy with bright red cheeks gave him an embarrassed punch to the side of his arm. The Top laner raised the palms of his hands defensively, yet with the same mischievous smirk. “Just saying! I can’t have him breaking my favorite Jungler’s heart by being too shy.”

 

Wangho’s pout and puff of his cheeks made the older boy smile. “If Yeujin- _hyeong_ heard that…”

 

A chilly spring breeze chose that moment to pass through, sending a lonely shiver down his spine. He tried not to let that remark bring his mood down, but it still reminded him of their distance. He felt a slight sting from those words as they reminded Kyungho that he hadn’t heard from the Jungler in months. Kyungho did his best to keep smiling hoping Wangho wouldn’t notice. Either he was really good at hiding the hurt, or he had embarrassed the younger too much for him to see. More likely than not, the latter.

 

“So, who asked who? Did you make the first move, or did you let shy, little Sungu do all the work?”

 

The blush on the young Jungler’s face deepened as he weakly shoved at the older male. “Stop,” he whined before settling crossed arms on the cold metal railing of the ramp beside his former Top laner’s. Wangho rested his chin over his arms before burying his face in them as if Kyungho had said something even more embarrassing. It reminded him of a time when their old team had all crammed themselves onto one small couch during movie night after he told everyone of his plans to finally talk to Yeujin last fall. The ever comedic bot-lane made some not-so-PG comments and suggestions that made Kyungho unable to remember anything about the movie since he’d been too busy blushing and burying his face in his arms and folded knees.

 

Things had been so much simpler back then. So much happier. He’d taken it all for granted.

 

Now everyone had chosen separate teams, save for that same bot-lane. Yeujin was still thousands of miles away and he hadn’t heard from him in nearly three months. This wasn’t how a relationship worked. Not theirs. Half a year ago, if someone told him he wouldn’t talk to Yeujin for almost an entire Split, Kyungho would’ve told them they were out of their minds.

 

“Well,” Kyungho cleared his throat to fix the slight crack in his voice. “I don’t care if he’s world-famous now or that everyone says he’s great or whatever. If he so much as hurts you, I’ll beat him up. You just give me the word.”

 

He raised a clenched fist up for emphasis before he loosened his hand to ruffle the younger boy’s already messed up hair.

 

“Hey…” Wangho frowned, trying to fix his disheveled hair, but it wasn’t enough to hide the small smile of contentment. “I can take care of myself, okay. I’m not a baby.”

 

“Tell that to Kayli,” Kyungho chuckled, fondly remembering how lovingly the other Jungler doted on the _maknae_ of the old ROX Tigers.

 

“ _Noona_ doesn’t call me a baby though,” Wangho stuck his tongue out like the rebellious kid he was. Kyungho had no words to retort with, so he settled for raising an eyebrow in mocking disbelief.

 

Before Wangho could open his mouth to say anymore, Kyungho’s phone rang with a call. He’d been so excited at first that he had pulled the younger boy closer with the arm around his shoulders, but when he realized it wasn’t from the one he had been hoping it was, he loosened his arm.

 

“Speaking of…”

 

It was Kayli.

 

As much as he loved Kayli like family, he’d been hoping – really, _really_ hoping – that the call was from Yeujin. But how likely would that be? Kyungho started to feel like it’d be one in a million.

 

Wangho stuck his tongue out at the corner of his lips before slowly ducking out of the older boy’s arms. “I’ll…leave you to your…” he waved his hand, in part dismissively, in part gesturing at Kyungho’s phone. “Tell _noona_ I said hi, though!”

 

Without another word, the young Jungler slipped back into the restaurant while Kyungho was left to answer the call alone.

 

“Hello?”

 

Before he could have said anymore, “what the _fucking_ hell, Song Kyungho.”

 

The Top laner nearly jumped in shock from the tone of her voice. He couldn’t remember the last time she’d sounded so angry with him. Scratch that, Kyungho had never had that tone directed at _him_.

 

“What…?”

 

“The fuck, don’t you ‘what’ me!” Kayli growled through the phone. It sounded like she was moments away from chucking her phone across the room, wherever she was.

 

“I…what do you mean?” Kyungho, while he feared her tone even though she was an ocean away, felt more confused than anything else. Why was she suddenly yelling at him? They barely had any contact lately other than the occasional text message. So, why would she suddenly call him out of the blue and yell at him without any warning. “Why–”

 

“What the hell are you doing? Do you have any idea what you’ve done?”

 

_Mind telling me, ‘cause I absolutely do not…_

 

He kept those thoughts to himself, knowing that any hints of sarcasm when the girl was angry would only result in her being even more furious. And at that point she would probably hang up on him and he would never know why she was so angry with him in the first place. So, he waited. Hoping that she would reveal the issue with whatever questions she had for him next.

 

“You sound like you’ve been having the _time of your life_ over there with Hyukkyu. How is it? Are you having _so much fun_ that you’ve forgotten?” Her voice only continued to raise in volume with each question, yet he still had absolutely no idea why she sounded so angry. What did his AD Carry have to do with this? He couldn’t help but flinch when she mentioned Hyukkyu, the scorn in her voice made him want to shoot back that no, he wasn’t having the _time of his life_. That life on KT Rolster wasn’t as clean and smooth as he had expected it to be. But, with the anger in her voice, he couldn’t find the courage to interrupt her. And, through the tone of her voice, he could see her gritting her teeth, just like the day her ex-boyfriend from college tried to justify himself cheating on her with her roommate – over a phone call.

 

“Kyung–” _Ah, so she’s calmed down enough to not use my full name._ “–he needs you. Where the hell have you been? It’s been three _fucking_ months. How much longer are you thinking of waiting? You know, Yeujin told me you were giving him ‘space,’ but this isn’t space. If you don’t _fucking_ get your act together, you’re going to lose him.”

 

Kyungho’s free hand clenched into a tight fist, nails digging into the palm of his hand rather painfully. When he realized this was all about Yeujin, a pang of hurt – or was it guilt? – hit him hard in the chest. The chilly spring suddenly felt like freezing winter, the sound of a car horn from somewhere on the street in front of him sounded muffled like he’d been thrust under water. He felt as though he couldn’t breathe, but he didn’t know what he could do to make it better. Was there even a way for him to feel better?

 

“Polyamory doesn’t work if half of the relationship is having fun and enjoying themselves while the other person is left to himself on the other side of the world. That _isn’t_ polyamory, Kyung. That’s called _cheating_. Just because your boyfriend knows it’s happening doesn’t change the fact.”

 

Cheating?

 

The hurt when she mentioned Yeujin turned into anger for her accusations. What did she know? How could she say that? She should know better than anyone how much he loved Yeujin.

 

“What! No! I am not cheating on him. Why would I try to ruin the best thing that’s ever happened to me? I love him more than anything!”

 

“Well, you have quite a funny way of showing it,” the venom in her voice burned through his ears. “Telling him that you could love him _and_ another equally? Don’t kid yourself. Stuff like that only happens in fairytales. You’re being a selfish bastard. Either you break it off and quit dragging Yeujin around or you clean yourself up and prove that you still love him.”

 

Kyungho’s fist tightened, and his face twisted into an angry snarl even though she couldn’t see it. What right did she have to say that? What right did she have to accuse him of something so horrible? “What the fuck, Kayli? This doesn’t even concern you! This is between Yeujin and me. Why do you even care?”

 

He hadn’t expected the long pause of silence that came after his question. He almost thought that she’d hung up on him. But what did it matter? It _didn’t_ concern her anyway, this _was_ between him and Yeujin. Why did she even _need_ to care? Sure, they consider each other family, but that didn’t mean she got to cut in to every issue of Yeujin’s life.

 

Kyungho turned around to press the palm of his hand against the brick of the restaurant’s outside wall. The sandy, rough texture of the red blocks rubbed against his skin when he moved so that he could rest his forehead against the arm on the wall. He couldn’t imagine any possible reason Kayli could have to call him out of the blue and paint him as the villain – to blame him for everything Yeujin was going through.

 

“Do you remember that night in Chicago?” Kayli’s voice was eerily calm for someone who was exploding with anger just moments earlier. Her tone chilled him to the bone. His fingers tapped against the brick wall, while he shut his eyes as if to ward off a headache.

 

Despite his discomfort, despite how cold he felt from both Kayli’s voice and the spring night, he remembered that night. He remembered the conversation they shared in that small hotel room way past midnight, curled up under the thin blankets. He knew the meaning behind each and every word and tiny detail of her expression as confidently as he knew all three of their birthdays.

 

~*~

_Friday, October 14, 2016_

 

“I already told you this would be a bad idea…” Kayli rolled her eyes, blowing the stray lightening blue strands of hair out of her dark brown eyes from where she lay. “You know how I feel about tv shows that have good action. Once we start, I won’t be able to stop.”

 

Kyungho let out an amused laugh as he shifted on his side of the bed, propping his head up on his hand, careful not to hit Yeujin’s head. “Hey, _I_ wasn’t the one who picked what we’re watching.”

 

The two professional gamers looked down to the boy sleeping between them, exchanging a look when they both looked up. There was a moment of silence – no sound between them, save for the humming of the hotel air conditioning unit and the dialogue from the TV – before they shared a laugh.

 

It had been Yeujin’s idea to start the show, claiming he’d been waiting for a time the three of them would be together to binge watch it.

 

 _‘It’s the perfect time,”_ he’d said a few hours earlier. _‘I’m sure Kyung’s tired from all the practice games anyway. A show would be nice.’_

 

Yet, here Yeujin lay. The first one to fall asleep among the three of them.

 

Neither AD Kill nor Immortals’ had qualified for the World Championship, but both Yeujin and Kayli decided to spend as much time as possible with Kyungho when ROX Tigers passed the Group Stages. With all the money they were spending on airfare, it was only fair that Kyungho convinced Nochul to let his two best friends stay the night in the hotel room he shared with Wangho.

 

They had pushed the two full-sized beds together to make one big one to share. Wangho left before they started watching, claiming he’d be back later that night. It was nearly 3AM, but Kyungho wasn’t worried for the younger boy. He was sure his Jungler had crashed on someone else’s bed by now. Hopefully he wasn’t out in the hallway without a room key…

 

A few minutes into the current episode, Kyungho could feel his eyelids getting heavier as sleep wanted to overtake him. He was mid-yawn when Kayli spoke again.

 

“Do you…him?”

 

“What?” He shook his head gently, trying to shake the sleep out of his mind. “Sorry, yawning.”

 

Kayli let out an amused chuckle, as she ran her lithe fingers through the small tangles in her blue locks. Kyungho followed her eyes to the Jungler curled up between them. “Do you love him?” her voice was soft and patient, like she wouldn’t mind repeating that question a thousand times if he’d asked.

 

“Of course, I do,” he answered without a moment’s hesitation; not even pausing to consider what kind of love she meant.

 

Kyungho hadn’t noticed the look he got from her because he let out another yawn as he searched for the remote to turn off the extra noise. She was probably tired enough to not mind if he shut off the TV.

 

“No, not just as family or just as friends. Like… do you _love_ him?”

 

It didn’t matter to him if that was what she had meant the first time either. He let his eyes fall on the boy fast asleep between them. They had cuddled real close into each other so that Yeujin was curled up, facing him. His eyes wandered over the boy’s soft features: long lashes, tall nose, full lips, and a head of fluffy chestnut brown hair.

 

Kyungho thoughtlessly raised a hand, brushing the backs of his long finger against the sleeping boy’s cheeks. His fingers moved with a mind of their own, from Yeujin’s cheeks to threading through his soft locks.

 

He did. How could he _not_ love this idiot?

 

This idiot who drank too much at their first frat party and kissed him senseless, only to forget that it had even happened at all the next day. This idiot who was so easy to tease, yet always supportive of Kyungho despite all the shit he gave him about irrelevant things. This ridiculous idiot who listened to his team’s singing like they were a professional band, despite Wangho’s autotuned lines that made even Kyungho cringe.

 

“Yeah… of course I love him,” he said it just barely above a whisper, simply backing up his earlier words.

 

“Then what are you waiting for?”

 

Kayli’s question made him look up, fingers still laced through the other boy’s hair. What _was_ he waiting for? Why should he hesitate?

 

The distance. Kyungho absolutely hated the distance. Once two continents away, now an entire ocean. After all the kisses he had made sure Yeujin would forget – with his silly habit of always drinking more alcohol than he could hold – Kyungho knew he would only want more. More kisses, more touches, more _him_.

 

But how was he supposed to get that when Yeujin moved to Germany, then continued to stay away and moved to the United States?

 

Kyungho needed reassurance from Yeujin, he needed the cuddles, the whispered sweet nothings brushing against his ears. He needed all the sweet little things and affections, or rather, he _craved_ them.

 

“I don’t want to do long-distance,” he answered after a deep breath. Kayli would understand him being straightforward with her. After all, she _was_ infamous for being too straightforward with people herself. “I…”

 

“Afraid?” the smile on her lips soothed his nerves; he never could pinpoint how she had that effect. He hadn’t expected her to raise her hand to his, fingers threading through Yeujin’s hair and lacing between his.

 

He gently nibbled at his bottom lip, nodding his head subtly, “yeah…you could say that.”

 

There was something indecipherable about the look in her eyes when she let them fall over her fellow Jungler. She hadn’t given him enough time to think of it as anything special before she continued, letting her eyes flutter up to meet his halfway. The serious, yet soft tone she rarely used that sang in his ears.

 

“Kyung, if you love him, he’ll make it work for you. No matter the distance, you’re still under the same sky.”

 

~*~

_April 2017_

 

“ _Hyeong…hyeong…_ Kyungho _hyeong_!”

 

Kyungho groaned softly when Wangho’s voice brought him out of his state between sleep and waking. In the darkness of the car, he could just barely make out the shadow of his former Jungler’s knees since he was laying his head on the younger boy’s shoulder. All he wanted to do was snuggle closer to his warmth like he had always done back when they were still on the same team.

 

Kyungho was exhausted. He didn’t want to think anymore. Not after the call at the restaurant. Not after all those drinks he’d lost count of when he went back inside to try and forget that heavy weight in his chest.

 

“We’re here,” Wangho shook him again when his former Top laner made no move to get off his shoulder. “Come on, get up, _hyeong_.” In the darkness, he could see Hojin turn around in the driver’s seat to see what the two of them were up to. The retired Jungler laughed softly, but said nothing as he watched the two younger boys in his backseat. Hojin had offered to drive the two boys and the Bot Lane Duo to their respective gaming houses after all the fun. He’d already dropped off Jongin and Beomhyeon at Longzhu Gaming’s house, and it appeared that Kyungho was next.

 

Wangho tried to crane his neck to look at him in the eyes. His voice barely above a whisper when he spoke a second time.

 

“Are you sure you’ll be alright? I can stay over…”

 

“Dun wanna…” Kyungho whined softly, pretending he hadn’t heard and was answering the younger boy’s efforts to wake him. He buried his face deeper into the crook of the younger’s neck, not wanting to take the energy to put a smile on his face.

 

A smile that would reassure everyone he was fine. A smile that would ward off all the questions. A smile that would convince Wangho that he could go home to his boyfriend without worrying about him.

 

Wangho was only nineteen. He shouldn’t have been worrying about someone else’s love life. He should’ve been happily spending his time with his lover.  

 

Thankfully, he seemed to take Kyungho’s hint and didn’t push it any further. “ _Hyeong_ , I need to get home, too,” Wangho whined back, shaking his shoulder gently in an attempt to jostle the head off of him. When that didn’t work he weakly shoved at the Top laner’s side. “Hojin _hyeong_ needs to get home and rest.”

 

“Ah, look. Hyukkyu’s waiting for you outside,” Hojin nodded his head towards the front door of the house, a grin on his lips.

 

At the mere mention of his AD Carry, Kyungho sat up with renewed energy. Nearly regretting it from the wave of dizziness that hit him in the next moment.

 

Hyukkyu was exactly what he needed after everything. He hadn’t seen the younger boy all day. He needed his warmth to cuddle and his presence to simply forget about everything that was _him_.

 

“Well, I guess it _is_ late…”

 

The entertained laughter of both his previous Junglers’ rang in his ears even after he had shut the door of the Mercedes. Kyungho had gotten up way too eagerly, and – much to his disappointment – Hyukkyu wasn’t _actually_ waiting outside for him. He scrunched his nose like a toddler who had been refused a present the moment he stood up outside the car.

 

Screw him and his gullibility.

 

The doorway was empty, lit up by only the old yellow lamp above the door. He turned around to shoot a glare at his former teammates through the tinted windows. Kyungho could barely make out their silhouettes, but it seemed as though they were laughing at him before Hojin drove away with Wangho sitting alone in the back seat.

 

By the front door, the gaming house was almost completely silent, save for the hum of the air conditioning unit. As his cautious footsteps neared the common area where all the teams’ desktops were set up, the soft, familiar _click-click-click_ of a mouse and the _clack-clack-clack_ of a keyboard filled his ear.

 

A soft smile danced on his lips. Kyungho didn’t need to look to know who it was. He placed his feet down carefully as he made his way towards the room, deciding he wanted to surprise the boy grinding SoloQ way past midnight. The _clicks_ from the boy’s mouse intensified as Kyungho gripped the frame of the open doorway, preparing to peek his head in. He wanted to surprise the boy, but he didn’t want to break his concentration, so he waited until the _clicks_ and _clacks_ slowed.

 

The moment he peeked around the doorframe, his expression fell. That heavy feeling of guilt weighed down his chest again. He knew who it was sitting there, but – perhaps due to the alcohol or his exhaustion – what he knew didn’t match what he saw.

 

He _knew_ it was Hyukkyu sitting there, at that desktop by the far wall next to the window.

 

He _saw_ Yeujin in his place.

 

Kyungho saw Yeujin sitting at that monitor, still in his Incredible Miracle uniform, face way too close to the screen for the health of his eyes, fingers too tightly gripped onto his mouse.

 

He rubbed his tired eyes as if to will the image away. When his eyes refocused, he saw Hyukkyu stretching his arms above his head as he yawned. But that image had burned itself into his mind. It was the same picture he’d had in his mind the night he thought that he merely admired Yeujin. He’d thought it was pure admiration for the relentless Jungler, so determined to improve and show everyone how wrong they were to call him “Game over.” So _unafraid_ to stay up until the sun came up, playing game after game.

 

It didn’t take long before he realized what he had was much more than simple admiration for a dedicated teammate. But even though he caught those not-so-secret glances during scrims, Kyungho had been too afraid to take their friendship a few steps forward.

 

“ _Aish_ …”

 

Hyukkyu groaned in frustration, pulling Kyungho out of his thoughts. Suddenly, he didn’t feel like trying to surprise him anymore. He wouldn’t be able to smile, he didn’t want to bring Hyukkyu’s mood down with him.

 

As he leaned against the wall, eyes tracing abstract patterns on the dark ceiling of the hallway, he felt an overwhelming urge to stand under scorching hot water. Whether it was to wash away the weight on his chest or to soothe the ache in his heart, it didn’t matter.

 

Kyungho was – unsurprisingly to some – rather impulsive in nature. If he felt a pull to something, he would almost immediately act upon it. The Top laner often prided himself in knowing exactly what he wanted. Knowing simply made it easier for him to aim for his desires and do his best to secure them. It translated well in his gameplay, and it hadn’t brought any disasters to his daily life. Until a few months ago, anyway…

 

The steaming water running down his bare back loosened his limbs. It wasn’t like he’d been tense or uncomfortable while hanging out with his past teammates all day. It wasn’t even the call he got from Kayli outside of the restaurant. He didn’t know when it started, but he had to remind himself to relax every now and again. It was like he was always bracing himself for the worst. In game, in life, it didn’t matter.

 

Kyungho nibbled on his lower lip, swallowing the lump in his throat that had suddenly formed.

 

 _“Of course, I do…”_ he’d told Kayli on the phone when she asked about the night in Chicago. She’d said it would _work_. That distance was only a small factor and she had so much faith in Kyungho and Yeujin to keep it that way.

 

Yet here he was, hating the distance because it wasn’t _working_. Distance _wasn’t_ a small factor.

 

Kyungho pressed an open hand against the white-tiled wall underneath the shower spout. The tile there was cooler, untouched by the water, a comforting contrast to the burning water cascading down his back. His fingers curled in, turning the hand against the wall into a fist as he dropped his head and just let it hang there. He closed his eyes, letting the water simply run down his skin, dripping from his hair, sliding off his eyelashes.

 

So many questions, so little answers. Kyungho couldn’t remember a time where he’s had so much trouble getting what he wanted. That was the thing about him and his impulsiveness. He almost always got what he wanted. If it wasn’t on the first try, it’d be on the second. If not the second, then the third. He prided himself in never giving up just as much as he did with knowing what he wanted.

 

If it hadn’t been for Hyukkyu, he would’ve pestered Yeujin with calls and flooded his phone with messages. He couldn’t help but think that if he’d just done it his way, Yeujin would be fine with everything by now. It wasn’t that he doubted Hyukkyu’s advice, it was just that he was used to his methods being more effective. His AD Carry, however, was much more convincing than he had expected.

 

“ _Just give him time,_ ” he’d reasoned. “ _He’ll come around._ ”

 

So, here he was. Waiting, seemingly indefinitely, for his lovely Jungler.

 

Kyungho let his mind wander as he shuffled into Hyukkyu’s room. The lights in the common area had been turned off, so he assumed his AD Carry had simply gone to bed. The bedroom was pitch black, and if he weren’t so familiar with the room, he probably would’ve tripped over the fan-made gifts piled up by the door. With his hair still a bit damp, and in nothing but a pair of basketball shorts, he crawled into the bed, gently snuggling up against the body lying there.

 

He didn’t want to wake the sleeping boy, so he did his best to lay still, trying not to breathe too loudly, only barely touching his body. When Hyukkyu turned around in his sheets to face him he nearly fell off the bed in surprise – and perhaps a little disappointment at himself for waking up the younger.

 

“I didn’t mean to wake you,” Kyungho whispered apologetically, fumbling around in the darkness to lace their fingers together. The light from the streetlamp made its way through the vertical blinds, casting a golden line across his AD Carry’s cheeks.

 

He caught the soft smile on the younger boy’s lips as he raised a hand up to his head, “did you have fun – Kyung, why is your hair so wet?”

 

His voice was filled with amusement, unlike the times when they were in game and all Hyukkyu did was criticize his mistakes in annoyance. Their bickering tended to result in irritated teammates begging them to “just kiss and get over it.”

 

Kyungho didn’t answer. Instead, he simply pressed himself closer to the younger boy with a hum to acknowledge that he had heard him. 

 

“Kyung, you’re getting me wet!” Hyukkyu whined softly, doing his best to shove the older away from him, but failing miserably due to his own laughter. “Why didn’t you dry your hair first?”

 

Even with his face buried into the smaller boy’s neck, he could see the pout forming on Hyukkyu’s lips as he spoke and it took him every fiber in his being not to back up and press their lips together. He couldn’t do that, not when Yeujin was an ocean away, in bed alone. But the younger boy was more than eager to keep Kyungho from getting his t-shirt soaking wet and eventually pushed him to arm’s length.

 

 The smile on Hyukkyu’s face slowly faded and his thin eyebrows furrowed together. “Did something happen? You didn’t get into a fight with Wangho or something, did you?”

 

Kyungho wasn’t quite sure what expression he held on his face, but he felt a twinge of disappointment when he realized he’d let his dissatisfaction with Yeujin show. It wasn’t that he wanted to hide things from Hyukkyu, but rather he didn’t want to load whatever emotional burden he carried onto the other. It was quite draining, and he didn’t want to tire him with worrying about Yeujin in addition to their team’s gameplay. But those thoughts faded as soon as he felt the gentle caress of Hyukkyu’s thumb on his cheekbone.

 

Their eyes met for a long moment and he gently squeezed Hyukkyu’s hand. Tightening his grip because he didn’t want to lose him. Kyungho shifted his body underneath the covers, pulling himself up so that their faces were level. He leaned in so that their noses were lightly touching.

 

Then, even closer, so that their lips met.

 

_A kiss or two couldn’t hurt…_

 

He could feel how Hyukkyu melted underneath his touch as their tongues danced that dance he knew too well. Kyungho’s fingers wandered across the younger’s stomach after teasingly playing with the hem of his t-shirt.

 

In only moments, the rest of their clothes were off. Nothing between them as they exchanged heated kisses and tender touches. He’d bury his face in the crook of his lover’s neck as the boy threaded his fingers through his hair and dug his trimmed nails into his back.

 

Kyungho lost himself in the way his name fell from Hyukkyu’s trembling lips. He relished the feeling of the boy curled up in his arms afterwards, tightly holding onto one of his hands as his eyes fluttered shut in exhaustion.

 

He took a moment to admire the gentle features of Hyukkyu’s face as the boy fell asleep in his arms. The longer he stared, the more his heart would ache. Kyungho raised his hand from Hyukkyu’s loosened grip, brushing his fingers across his sleeping face.

 

Kyungho gave himself a few extra moments in Hyukkyu’s warmth before he pulled away. He made sure to pull the covers up over his bare shoulders before he left a gentle press of his lips on the boy’s temple.

 

If he stayed, it wouldn’t be fair to Yeujin on the other side of the world, underneath the covers alone. Why should he get to sleep with the warmth of his lover by his side while Yeujin got no one? Just because he lived with Hyukkyu in the same gaming house it didn’t mean he could share his bed.

 

He wanted to make this work, between him and the two he loved, and it wasn’t going to happen if only two of them shared a bed.

 

 _“That_ isn’t _polyamory, Kyung. That’s called_ cheating _. Just because your boyfriend knows it’s happening doesn’t change the fact.”_

 

It wouldn’t be fair to Yeujin. He’d already thought all those things Kayli said over the phone. She’d just confirmed every thought, voiced every suspicion he had of himself.

 

Was he just some dirty _cheater_? Like those boys Kayli met in high school, in college? All of them were assholes from the moment he met them when they Skyped. He couldn’t tell why she had dated any of them. If he was just like they were, right now, he wouldn’t want to be dating himself either.

 

Kyungho didn’t want to let go of either of them. He loved Yeujin, but he loved Hyukkyu, too. He loved Hyukkyu, but he also loved Yeujin. He wanted Yeujin and Hyukkyu to love what he loved. Why was it so hard to have both of them? Kayli had said distance was only a minor detail. It sure as hell wasn’t minor right now.

 

As he stood in the hallway, he took one last glance at the boy curled up in his covers before he gently closed the door. He made sure not to wake Hyukkyu before he crossed the narrow hallway to the door of the room he’d been assigned when he first moved in.

 

His _lover’s_? _Their_ lover’s? Which was it even…? Why did it matter?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhmmmmm, hi?
> 
> I'm back from the dead, perhaps.,, I hope you enjoyed this longer chapter! I was originally going to post a part of this a few months ago, but then it didn't feel complete enough so I wrote some more until it became this. I hope you've all had a wonderful holiday season!! And a happy new year!~ 
> 
> To all of you waiting so patiently, thanks for sticking with me ;;~;; and a most special thanks to Aeonwing for helping me out when I'm stuck and being the best beta!


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